Posts Tagged ‘videogame’

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REPOST: Milla Jovovich (and husband) will eat your brain! “Resident Evil: Afterlife”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Arriving like a MOAB to cap off the summer movie season is Resident Evil: Afterlife—a movie that flaunts its B-status and boldly announces that it has no time being bogged down with pesky details like logic or coherency or even the laws of physics. Such things are for wussies, not for ass-kicking Milla Jovovich! What? You want gravity to affect people and objects? Go see a Bergman film. This is a Resident freakin’ Evil movie, where it’s perfectly normal for someone leaping through the air to stop and pivot. That shit just happens! Getting all pissy about suspending your disbelief when a waif-like heroine wields a machine gun one-handed? Hey, go back to the Ivy League, Mr. Hoity Toity! We’re here to see a hot chick kill zombies, and that’s it. If you feel a tingly sensation in your skull, that’s okay, that’s normal. It’s just your brain going to sleep. Or dying. But, hey, no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to need it for the next 90 minutes or so.
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1982, Best Summer Ever: “Tron”

July 30, 2012

Yeah, this is basically a repost of my “Tron Reconsidered” review that I wrote in anticipation of Tron: Legacy in 2010. I know, I know, I’m lazy, but c’mon–it’s Tron for fuck’s sake. The movie doesn’t exactly have layers…

Okay, so 1982’s Tron is deeply silly—I think we can all agree on that. I mean, c’mon…we have a movie in which the world of computers is envisioned as a hyper-colored landscape peopled by dudes in glowey costumes with the faces of their programmers and/or users. I mean, how much fucking acid to you have to drop to take this premise seriously?
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The long national nightmare is over: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

July 3, 2011

I’m trying to think of some pithy intro here, but, hey, it’s the new Transformers movie. I mean, if you get trampled by an elephant and end up with a compound fracture of the femur, the doc who looks after you doesn’t drop a witty bon mot before he yanks on your foot until the bone slides back in through the flesh and then resets it, does he? I don’t really know. That’s never happened to me, but I bet he doesn’t. No, he just does it. If he’s smart he gives you a slug of whiskey first. The point I’m trying to make is,, we both know this is going to hurt. Might as well get on with it. So: Transformers: Dark of Moon. The good news is that it’s probably the best of the three movies. The bad news is, that’s a little like saying last night’s prison rape was the politest gang-sodomy you’ve ever had. The praise is indeed faint.
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(Re-post) Valentine’s Day Special: Movies After Which You Will Definitely Not Get Any!

February 14, 2011

Well, Valentine’s Day is here once again, and if you’re one of those lucky souls who actually has a sweetie, you’re probably contemplating your romantic evening (and if you’re one of those pitiable creatures who’s alone on this day, you’re probably drinking alone and either watching Rambo for the zillionth time or cleaning your guns and contemplating all the happy couples within striking distance outside your window—that’s what I tend to do anyway). Well, many dates out either end in the movie theater or at home in front of the TV. To that end, Gunmonkey is doing you a public service by presenting this list of Movies After Which You Will Definitely Not Get Any! Because, as you will read, I know from whence I speak. So, here we go…
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The geeks shall inherit the Earth: “Tron: Legacy”

December 27, 2010

Tron: Legacy arrived in theaters here in Bangkok a week later than in the US and amid a toxic fog of critical dismissal. To say that I was dispirited would be an understatement.  This was Tron: Legacy! Fer chrissakes, look at the totally awesome trailers! From the ComiCon one where we’re first introduced to creepy Young Jeff Bridges, to the later one where the hot blonde says “survive” in a weird, distorted voice…before we see creepy Young Jeff Bridges, they all kicked ass. I hate it—absofuckinglutely hate it—when awesome trailers set me up for really disappointing movies. And yet, when the time came, I didn’t hate Tron: Legacy. I kind of grooved on it. Granted, it was a midnight screening and I’d been awake for 22 hours by the time it finished, and I was pretty dehydrated by the early-evening events, but it still looked damn cool to me. So suck on that all you holier-than-thou, I-get-a-reasonable-amount-of-sleep-and-don’t-have-to-sing-karaoke-with-Thai-police-before-I-see-a-movie critics!
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Guilty Pleasures: “Tron” reconsidered

December 26, 2010

Okay, so 1982’s Tron is deeply silly—I think we can all agree on that. I mean, c’mon…we have a movie in which the world of computers is envisioned as a hyper-colored landscape peopled by dudes in glowey costumes with the faces of their programmers and/or users. I mean, how much fucking acid to you have to drop to take this premise seriously? And yet, here we are, 28 years later, with a massively-hyped, 170+ million dollar sequel bearing down on us like a demented Recognizer emblazoned with Jeff Bridges’ face. This alone, is a tribute to the charms and ass-backward prescience of Tron—both of which managed to survive the movie’s massive box-office failure and several decades of derision. So, before I get down to reviewing Tron: Legacy, let’s take a look at the original, shall we?
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2010 Summer Movie Roundup!

September 20, 2010

Well, another summer has come and gone and pretty much taken a dump on our collective chest. Okay, maybe I’m being a tad harsh. Probably not.  I don’t know that it was necessarily worse than last year—we didn’t have a fun, clever, crowd-pleasing popcorn movie like Star Trek, but we also didn’t have cinematic evidence of the existence of Satan, either (*coughTransformers 2cough*).  There was a serious dearth of excitement this summer. Fun, too. Yeah, we got the obligatory superhero movies, the annual excellent Pixar movie, and plenty of sequels. But there was very little fresh this year. Hell, I’d even take a good bad movie on par with The Happening right about now. Oh well, let’s have a look at what we got instead:
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