Posts Tagged ‘UFOs’

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The alien space-octopus will eat your ass: “Life”

March 27, 2017

Life arrives just in time to offer itself up as a corrective to the critically-adored The Arrival—a movie everyone went gaga over, despite its ludicrous premise. I mean, let’s be realistic here: if/when tentacle aliens encounter humanity they’re not going to be all “Ooo…let’s all be friends and here’s the future history of your unborn daughter, because parenthood is the real awesome mystery!” Nope. They’re pretty much going to be, “RAWR! IMMA EAT YOU!” Life understands that.

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Invade me twice, shame on me: “Independence Day: Resurgence”

June 25, 2016

 

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1996’s Independence Day was a perfect summer movie. It had a big budget, eye-popping special effects, arresting visuals, and some charismatic actors. Also, it was dumber than a retarded opossum, which, really, is about the IQ you want attached to your summer movies. We don’t go to them to think—that shit’s for winter movies, yo. Now, some 20 years later we have the long-awaited sequel Independence Day: Resurgence. Is it as dumb as the original? A thousand times yes! Is it as good as the original? Alas, no (whomp whomp). Is it as fun as the original? Well, it gets close. Allow me to explain…
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Nyet! Nyet! “The Darkest Hour”

October 17, 2013

Oh swell, The Darkest Hour. The only reason I can think of that this movie exist is that Hollywood hates us all, and decided it would just be too difficult and time-consuming to punch us all in the face. That or some producer needs a way to launder some cash he’s been embezzling, and African conflict diamonds didn’t seem evil enough. Either way, certainly no one could have made this movie because they thought it’s good…I mean, here is a movie that asks us to plunk down what little of our hard-earned money the 1% didn’t steal out of our wallets in the middle of the night (that’s what they do, right?) to watch a couple douchetards being chased through Moscow by—(aw Jesus…)—wavy distortions. Seriously, that’s what happens in this movie. I’ve had more creative bowel movements after a bowl of tom yum goong than anything happens at any time ever in this flick.
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The Baywatch lunk vs. the outer-space tentacle-beastie: “The Thing Below”

October 16, 2012

The movie The Thing Below (aka Sea Ghost) gives us at long last the answer to the question that has plagued us as a society for far too long: “What is Billy Warlock up to?” Ha! Just kidding. This movie was made in 2004, so it would be more accurate to ask “What was Billy Warlock up to eight years ago?” Well, of course I’m curious about that, right? Ha! I fooled you again! Nope, I was intrigued by this movie because it was directed by Jim Wynorski, and when you watch one of his movies you’re almost guaranteed to see some gratuitous nudity, so stream away, Netflix!
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1982, Best Summer Ever: “E.T. The Extraterrestrial”

August 17, 2012

And here we have come to the logical endpoint of our revisiting of the summer of 1982: E.T. The Extraterrestrial. Yep, this is the movie that would define that summer, and the sun in whose glow all those other movies would thrive (for the most part). It dominated the summer box office, established Steven Spielberg as something approaching a god in Hollywood and was the gold-standard for family entertainment until Pixar came along. It’s a little perplexing, then, to realize that pretty much all of E.T. is up there on the surface. Surely, the world couldn’t have fallen in love with this movie just because we got to see a cute alien getting drunk on cheap, American beer, could we? What else is there to E.T.?
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1982, Best Summer Ever: “The Thing”

August 5, 2012

John Carpenter’s remake of 1951’s The Thing From Another World—abbreviated to simply The Thing (because, really, the whole “from another world” pretty much goes without saying)—was little loved upon release during the summer of 1982. Critics were understandably put off by its gore and violence and relentlessly pessimistic vantage point. After all, this was the summer of E.T.—a magical time when lovable, big-eyed aliens descended upon suburban California to fill the void left in a 10 year-old boy’s heart by the absence of his father. So, yeah, you can see that with your girlfriend or you can see the John Carpenter flick that features a dude’s head separating from his body and sprouting spider legs and eyestalks and walking across the room. Hmmm…I wonder which one is more likely to lead to some action in the AMC Gremlin’s backseat…

It’s taken about three decades, but finally Carpenter’s version of the horror has finally found some modicum of respect.
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Pitching and catching: “Creature of Darkness”

January 19, 2012

So… Creature of Darkness …yeah …Creature of Darkness…this movie is basically a rip off of Predator, only without any of the things that made Predator awesome. So, instead of commandos, we get a bunch of dumbass twenty-somethings.  And instead of Arnie we get, um, Sanoe Lake. Remember her? She was the chick in Blue Crush that wasn’t Kate Bosworth or Michelle Rodriguez. Remember her now? Well, it’s not a big deal—you’re probably not going to see this movie (and there’s no reason you should). Ooo! But it does have an alien hunter! Aw yeah! Only instead of, like, a cloaking device or really cool alien weaponry it…uh, well, it dresses up like the Gordon’s Fisherman. (Sigh), okay let’s just get this over with.

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