Posts Tagged ‘Transformers’

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Michael Bay’s death march of fun continues: “Transformers: Age of Extinction”

July 1, 2014

transformers_age_of_extinction_FNL-poster-610x905

Transformers: Age of Extinction is the fourth installment in Michael Bay’s Transformers trilogy. Mull that over a bit; it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie. And speaking of, okay, I just have to vent a bit. This was supposed to be a trilogy, as in “three films and then sweet release.” Not “three films and, oh fuck it—they’re a license to print money and I can’t yet buy my own island where I can people like sport.” So now we have this. And there are dinosaurs this time. (Sigh) okay, let’s just get this over with.
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The long national nightmare is over: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

July 3, 2011

I’m trying to think of some pithy intro here, but, hey, it’s the new Transformers movie. I mean, if you get trampled by an elephant and end up with a compound fracture of the femur, the doc who looks after you doesn’t drop a witty bon mot before he yanks on your foot until the bone slides back in through the flesh and then resets it, does he? I don’t really know. That’s never happened to me, but I bet he doesn’t. No, he just does it. If he’s smart he gives you a slug of whiskey first. The point I’m trying to make is,, we both know this is going to hurt. Might as well get on with it. So: Transformers: Dark of Moon. The good news is that it’s probably the best of the three movies. The bad news is, that’s a little like saying last night’s prison rape was the politest gang-sodomy you’ve ever had. The praise is indeed faint.
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Repost: “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen”

July 1, 2011

Yeah, there’s a new Transformers movie out (you probably didn’t hear about that, what with all the buzz surrounding Larry Crowne). So, to kind of innure us all the pain, I’m reposting my review of the original Transformers , uploaded July 5, 2007, and Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, uploaded June 28, 2009).

215px-TF2SteelPosterIf you’ve read my review of the first Transformers movie, then you know that I didn’t love it. I thought it was loud, stupid, obnoxious, and not all that exciting. It was as if Michael Bay thought if he bludgeoned us with enough activity onscreen, he could convince us we were seeing a fun summer movie. A lot of people thought I was being too hard on what was meant to be a silly summer action movie about giant robots fighting. The problem I have with this argument is that the classic summer movie’s that we’ve come to love were well-made­ pieces of disposable entertainment. We still recall and love them precisely because they were so well-made. Transformers was not. Quick, tell me your favorite line or scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Terminator 2, Escape from New York, or Die Hard. Okay, now tell me your favorite line or scene from Transformers (and none of that “One will rise; one will fall” bullshit. That was on the poster). Right, I didn’t think so. Well, the bad news is that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is everything the original was and much, much more. If the first one was a cinematic pummeling, this one is the Bataan Death March.

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Re-repost: “Transformers”

July 1, 2011

Yeah, there’s a new Transformers movie out (you probably didn’t hear about that, what with all the buzz surrounding Larry Crowne). So, to kind of innure us all the pain, I’m reposting my review of the original Transformers , uploaded July 5, 2007, and Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, uploaded June 28, 2009).

transformers_movie_poster_optimus_prime“Before time began there was The Cube…”

Uh-oh.

Yet this opening voiceover was but the latest evidence that Transformers the movie and anything associated with it is simply bad, wrong, and possibly evil. Others include the Transformers logo bumper stickers that grown men have begun affixing to their cars, the chat room arguments that the robots in the movie lack the depth of personality present in the cartoon series of the mid-‘80s, and the fact that GM—a once-mighty American corporation—is using this movie to hawk their cars the way McDonalds uses Shrek to sell green milkshakes.

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2009 Summer Movie Roundup!

October 6, 2009

transformers-2Hey, sorry this summer film roundup is so late. Part of the reason is because some of these films didn’t get a release in Thailand until recently. Mostly, though, the reason is that whenever I ponder for extended periods of time the cinematic offerings Hollywood horked up this summer, I’m overcome by the need to drink myself into senselessness. Then I wake up in my own sick, and possibly with unexplained facial injures, and, well, you can see where this would delay the creative process. Oh yeah, the summer of 2009 blew. Especially when compared to the sprightly and mostly fun summer of 2008 (hey, Crystal Skull haters, would you rather watch that again or Transformers 2 again? Yeah, I thought so). Okay, so before the DTs set in, let’s get started.
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Now I claim your sun! “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”

June 28, 2009

215px-TF2SteelPosterIf you’ve read my review of the first Transformers movie, then you know that I didn’t love it. I thought it was loud, stupid, obnoxious, and not all that exciting. It was as if Michael Bay thought if he bludgeoned us with enough activity onscreen, he could convince us we were seeing a fun summer movie. A lot of people thought I was being too hard on what was meant to be a silly summer action movie about giant robots fighting. Kassandra the Work Wife brought up this point on several occasions, “Big robots whaling on each other. What more do you want? I don’t want to think too hard about a movie, Mr. I’m-All-Cool-Because-I-Use-My-Higher-Brain-Functions. Just eat your damn popcorn and enjoy Optimus Prime stomping Deceptacon ass, Mr. Thinkee.” The problem I have with this argument is that the classic summer movie’s that we’ve come to love were well-made­ pieces of disposable entertainment. We still recall and love them precisely because they were so well-made. Transformers was not. Quick, tell me your favorite line or scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Terminator 2, Escape from New York, or Die Hard. Okay, now tell me your favorite line or scene from Transformers (and none of that “One will rise; one will fall” bullshit. That was on the poster). Right, I didn’t think so. Well, the bad news is that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is everything the original was and much, much  more. If the first one was a cinematic pummeling, this one is the Bataan Death March.

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This Holiday’s Movie: “Transformers”

July 5, 2007

 

“Before time began there was The Cube…”
Uh-oh.

Yet this opening voiceover was but the latest evidence that Transformers the movie and anything associated with it is simply bad, wrong, and possibly evil. Others include the Transformers logo bumper stickers that grown men have begun affixing to their cars, the chat room arguments that the robots in the movie lack the depth of personality present in the cartoon series of the mid-‘80s, and the fact that GM—a once-mighty American corporation—is using this movie to hawk their cars the way McDonalds uses Shrek to sell green milkshakes.

Read the rest of this entry ?