Posts Tagged ‘Thailand’

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The January doldrums continue: “The Boy”

January 31, 2016

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Well, it’s still January, and Hollywood is making damn well sure know it by continuing to make us suffer for the unpardonable crime of wanting to see a movie a month after the holiday season. The latest instrument of punishment is The Boy, which, while not a terrible movie, is still pretty bad. And that’s before it becomes outright, pants-crappingly stupid. Wanna hear about it? Oh yes you do…
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Demon, get out! “The Devil Inside”

January 31, 2012

I know I’m a bit late to the party with The Devil Inside, since it pretty much got about twenty yards off the launch pad before it wobbled and exploded like a North Korean missile test. In this metaphor, it probably wasn’t even a spectacular explosion—that alone would be more entertainment than this movie delivers. Instead we get another dreary mock-doc about a team of exorcists in Rome. It’s like the filmmakers watched The Rite, and thought, “Well, how hard can that be?” It’s a valid question, all things considered.

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It’s Alive! Alive! “Frankenfish”

January 24, 2012

When you title your movie Frankenfish, the audience is going to have some natural expectations. I, for one, fully expected there to be a fish with little bolts in its fishy neck. And maybe he’ll be wearing little Doc Martins on some of his fins. There could even be a scene in which a mad fish-scientist—maybe bearing a resemblance to Jacques Cousteau—brings the fish to life in a blaze of electricity and cackles, “It swims! It swims!”  Maybe, if you want to ambitious, you even have a scene in which the fish bellows, “Fire bad!”  I don’t know how you make the fish talk, since they mostly only make that popping noise with their mouths, but what the hell. It’s a Frankenfish. Alas, none of those things happen in Frankenfish. We do get China Chow, and she’s cute. Plus there’s another hot chick, too, so you could do a lot worse.
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Nyet! Nyet! “The Darkest Hour”

January 10, 2012

Oh swell, The Darkest Hour. The only reason I can think of that this movie exist is that Hollywood hates us all, and decided it would just be too difficult and time-consuming to punch us all in the face. That or some producer needs a way to launder some cash he’s been embezzling, and African conflict diamonds didn’t seem evil enough. Either way, certainly no one could have made this movie because they thought it’s good…I mean, here is a movie that asks us to plunk down what little of our hard-earned money the 1% didn’t steal out of our wallets in the middle of the night (that’s what they do, right?) to watch a couple douchetards being chased through Moscow by—(aw Jesus…)—wavy distortions. Seriously, that’s what happens in this movie. I’ve had more creative bowel movements after a bowl of tom yum goong than anything happens at any time ever in this flick.
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Down in the Bayou: “Alligator X”

January 3, 2012

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I’m afraid I have to start 2012 on a note of slight disappointment with the film Alligator X (also known as Xtinction: Predator X). See when I saw that title I thought it was an alternate take on the life of Malcolm X, only using an alligator rather than a militant black man. So, I picked up the DVD imagining 85 minutes of an anthropomorphic alligator in a dashiki being all like, “By any means necessary, whitey-non-reptile!” Hopefully in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson (what? Like, he wouldn’t do it if you paid him enough). Tell me a militant negro alligator with Samuel L. Jackson’s voice wouldn’t be awesome. Yeah, probably unsurprisingly, the movie’s not about that. Instead we just get a bad cgi dinosaur eating people in Louisiana.

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REPOST: Christmas Movie Roundup!

December 25, 2011

bad-santaSo, recently Kassandra the Work-Wife told me “You need to review something new. I’m tired of the looking at the poster for Midnight Meat Train. It’s boring.” As I was in the multi-day process of returning home from Iraq, I told her it might take awhile. “Oh, stop being such a baby about things. All of a sudden you’re so self-centered: ‘Wah! I can’t review movies because I’m traveling for the next 72 hours! Wah! I can’t keep texting you internationally because my phone bill was $500 bucks this month! Wah! I can’t talk to you right now because we’re being rocketed and I have to run to a bunker!’ Jeez, find your balls, cowboy up and review a freakin’ movie will you?” Unfortunately, I’d have to get around to seeing one worth reviewing, and that hasn’t happened yet. Instead, I thought we’d do something a bit more seasonal. I mean, it’s Christmas and all, why have some horrible B-movie’s poster plastered on my site over Christmas? So, here’s a quick holiday movie roundup. Just a quick (and easy) way to celebrate the season. So, in no particular order:

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It’s all about the hats: “Immortals”

December 12, 2011

That sound you hear is Edith Hamilton spinning in her grave, and if you don’t hear anything, well, the effects will be felt soon enough, because if in the afterlife she’s seen any of Immortals and its casual butchery of Greek myth, then she’s certainly whirling fast enough down there to create her own gravity well. Bastardizing mythology is nothing new for Hollywood—witness Clash of the Titans or its remake—but its seldom you find one this simultaneously silly and self-important. This is a movie that aims to bowl us over with an epic hero story, while asking us to take seriously actors wearing goofy wire-hats, playing Greek gods.
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