Posts Tagged ‘sharks’

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Repost: “Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark”

July 23, 2015

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So we come to it at last: the final chapter in the Mega Shark trilogy. It’s been a long, emotionally-wrought journey, as we followed this cartilage-framed anti-hero from the ice of the Arctic ocean to the wild, vibrant nightlife of Panama (the shark didn’t do any partying—he mostly just ate people). He confronted such nemesis’s (nemesi?) as Giant Octopuses, the US Navy, Crocasauruses, the US Navy again, and Deborah Gibson. But like all great series’—Breaking Bad, The Shield, Mystery Science Theater 3000—this one too must come to an end. And you gotta give The Asylum this much: with Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark they did indeed save the best for last.

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Double your pleasure, double your fun: “Two-Headed Shark Attack”

February 14, 2012

The Asylum really set the bar high with Two-Headed Shark Attack. Well, maybe not high, per se, but they certainly raised some expectations. I mean, what’s better than one giant, pissed-off man-eating shark? Two giant, pissed-off man-eating sharks, right? Yeah, well, but slightly less awesome, yet still very cool is a two-headed shark! Scratch that, a two-headed shark is actually cooler, because there are so many dramatic possibilities. I mean, just think of all the things that could possibly be done with a giant, pissed-off, two-headed shark…
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Aquatic anger-management: “Raging Sharks”

October 18, 2011

Scary Movie Month continues with Raging Sharks. Raging Sharks. Whoa! How awesome is that title? Answer: ASS-LOADS of awesome, that’s how awesome it is. I mean, how do you pass up a movie with that title? Raging Sharks. Sharks that are raging. What are they raging against? The Machine? The Man? Wall Street CEOs? The dying of the light? Dunno, but the only thing we do from this title is that they are enraged, and thus holds the promise of B-movie goodness. Sharks are badass enough, but pissed-off sharks? Damn, that’s a straight shot of awesome sauce right there. Just pure, B-movie, chompy-chompy goodness.
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Sharks, canals, swordfights, and Stevie B! “Sharks in Venice”

January 28, 2010
When you really think about it, why aren’t there sharks in Venice? The damn place is all canals, surely there should be some sharks in the water, right? Or some jackhole squids. Or even a couple of friendly octopi just hanging out listening to some Four Tet? I’m sure there’s a good reason, and I could Wikipedia it, but I’m not going to. For I have a movie to review, and that movie is Sharks in Venice. It features sharks. It features Venice. It features one of the lesser-Baldwins. Really how bad could it be? Okay, read those last sentences again.
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Guilty Pleasures: “Deep Blue Sea”

August 26, 2009

deep_blue_sea1999 was a banner year for exceedingly-watchable films. You have your not-so-terrible ones (Blair Witch Project), your bad ones that you can’t escape (Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Austin Powers 2: Let’s Exterminate All Traces of Joy from this Franchise), and then are the ones so bad, they can only be described as Guilty Pleasures. Wing Commander falls into this category, and that should be enough. But due to some weird confluence of factors—sunspots, planetary alignment, the Age of Aquarius, the eve of the new millennium…Whatever it was, it gave us another great, bad movie. And that movie is Deep Blue Sea. Or as I like to think of it, Jaws Takes HGH. We have genetically-engineered sharks capable, apparently, of advanced mechanical engineering, and humans who (on evidence) are barely capable of using their opposable thumbs. We have wanton violence and sadistic deaths. We have Samuel L. Jackson overacting when he’s not underacting. We have an utter disregard for the laws of physics. We have Saffron Burrows in lingerie. No, please, no more! I’m only human! Let’s run down the reasons I love this film, shall we? Yes, we shall!
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