Posts Tagged ‘sex’

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From the mists of time: “I, the Jury”

July 5, 2015

 

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It’s tempting to call 1982’s I, the Jury a sleazy, pulpy , mercenary adaptation of Mickey Spillane’s 1947 novel, but that would ignore just how sleazy and pulpy Spillane’s novel is in the first place. Sure, the movie basically jettisons big chunks of Spillane’s plot and fills it in with crap about mind-control and the CIA, but Spillane probably would have done that if he’d thought of it at the time (and who knows, he might have used it in later novels—he wrote, like, a million of them). No, this I, the Jury is just as trashy and lurid as its source material (which courted controversy upon its release for its violence and sex), adjusted, of course, for for 1982 sensibilities, and that amounts to very lurid and trashy. I mean, there’s a reason that during my childhood, this movie was the Holy Grail of HBO’s early offerings, and it’s not the snazzy soundtrack.
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Lust in the jungle: “Tarzan the Ape Man”

February 11, 2014

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Lord, I miss the movies of the ‘80s. And when I say that, I mean the pre-blockbuster days of the early-‘80s. When the decade still had a contact high from the ‘70s—still batshit crazy, but less violent and despondent.  That moment when we, as a society, went from “We’re in the midst of a bad recession and gas shortage, so let’s smoke some pot and have an orgy,” to “Yay! Reagan said that it’s morning in America! Let’s all do coke and have an orgy!” Because, gentle reader only that era of innocence could bring us a big-budget Tarzan movie that basically serves as nudity-delivery vehicle for Bo Derek. And with that, let us dive into 1981’s Tarzan the Ape Man.
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From the Mists of Time: “Looker”

January 7, 2014

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Welcome back to “From the Mists of Time,” and boy, do we have a doozy today. It’s a strange, largely unknown little gem from 1981 called Looker. Why review this movie, you ask? Well, kinda because I created this while FTMOT subcategory and I feel like I should populate it with something, so it doesn’t end up like my “What Went Wrong” category (with five years before a second installment).  Besides, this movie is a great time capsule of the ‘80s. It’s got that ubiquitous SoCal setting (usually some producer or other’s beachfront pad that he’d just shooed the underage hookers out of), totally unnecessary sports cars, plastic surgery, and vapid, Barbie doll blondes. Hell, throw in a hot tub and some blow, and you pretty much have the early ‘80s in a nutshell.
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A lot of ill-advised choices: “The Counselor”

December 8, 2013

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The Counselor has earned a level of infamy for one particular scene—the one in which Cameron Diaz does the splits on Javier Bardem’s Ferrari and rubs her cooch against the windshield—and that’s really too bad, because, that scene aside, the movie is actually pretty dull. Yet still, there is that scene, and I guess it tells us something about the film. An award-winning novelist wrote a scene in which a woman has sex with a car (“sure, that happens,” he obviously thought), an Academy Award-nominated director filmed a woman having sex with a car (“yeah, I can shoot that,” he obviously thought), and one of the most famous actresses working agreed to simulate (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt) having sex with a car (“yeah, that’ll bolster my career,” she obviously thought). This particular scene tells us a lot about The Counselor: namely, that this movie exists because very talented people can have very bad judgment.
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The terror of Gerri the…oh, we did that already: “Fright Night 2: The New Blood”

October 18, 2013

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Going into Fright Night 2: The New Blood, I wasn’t exactly optimistic. After all, it’s a non-theatrical release sequel which has none of the same actors as the major theatrical release original. Nothing good can come from this situation. Except that this movie stars Jaime Murray, and she’s not only hot, but also tends to get naked a lot. Like in everything she does. So, I figured what the hell, and watched it anyway. Look, I don’t always make very good decisions, and this one was no exception.
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In the ’90s we were really worried about killer robots wielding sex toys: “Hardware”

September 8, 2013

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In 1990’s Hardware inexplicably got a theatrical release. I’m not sure why. It was clearly made on shoestring budget with no bankable actors, but, whatever. George H. W. Bush was in the White House, the Berlin Wall had fallen…everything was up for grabs. Today, Hardware has long (well, 20 years) been considered a lost classic. Personally, I think this praise is a bit inflated. Yes, Hardware was made for a relatively low budget, and has a ‘90s industrial soundtrack, but that hardly makes it the next coming of Blade Runner. I mean, when you get right down to it, the movie’s awfully silly and the people in it are much, much sillier. You can hose down the sets with as much blood as you want and crank up the Motorhead on the soundtrack, and you’re still just talking about a traditional “Robot-meet-girl; Robot-tries-to-kill-girl; Robot-is-hopelessly-inept-at-killing-girl” story.
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In the ’90s we were totally okay with statutory rape (we weren’t really okay with it): “The Crush”

September 2, 2013

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So, we’re back on the misogyny of the 1990s—well that was quick—but it’s hard to escape, what with the decade being so rife with it and all. 1993’s The Crush was no doubt sold to studio execs as “Fatal Attraction with a teenaged girl.” And they no doubt lapped it up like a…thing…that laps stuff (sorry, wrote myself into a corner, there). The final product, however, viewed some 20 years on is basically the story of a potential statutory rapist struggling with his urges. Well, the first half anyway. After that, it does actually become Fatal Attraction with a minor. But by that time I already felt like showering with acetone. Because if we were anything in ‘90s, we were terrified of women, no matter their age.
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