Posts Tagged ‘sci-fi’

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The alien space-octopus will eat your ass: “Life”

March 27, 2017

Life arrives just in time to offer itself up as a corrective to the critically-adored The Arrival—a movie everyone went gaga over, despite its ludicrous premise. I mean, let’s be realistic here: if/when tentacle aliens encounter humanity they’re not going to be all “Ooo…let’s all be friends and here’s the future history of your unborn daughter, because parenthood is the real awesome mystery!” Nope. They’re pretty much going to be, “RAWR! IMMA EAT YOU!” Life understands that.

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Rage, rage against the dying of the…eh, never mind: “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter”

January 31, 2017

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Since it’s got the word final right there in the title, I have to assume that Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is indeed the last installment of this brain-dead franchise to grace the silver screen. And I have to admit, I find this a little bittersweet. I mean, the Resident Evil movies were never what you’d call good or creative or a worthwhile utilization of money, talent or time, but after 15 (wow!) years they’ve been a kind of companion. Like a very, very dumb dog that shows up from time to time to play fetch, only to get distracted by its own shadow.  After a while you just gotta figure if you’re disappointed in it for not composing Shakespeare, well, that’s on you. I mean, you know what it was when it started trying to dry-hump a football.
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REPOST: Return of the living (brain) dead franchise: Resident Evil: Retribution”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Well, it’s September, and every couple of Septembers the horks up a cinematic hairball in the form of yet another Resident Evil movie. It’s sort of Hollywood’s way of closing the summer by reminding us that it really doesn’t like us. It’s saying, in effect, “Hey, remember all those great mega-blockbusters we pummeled you with this summer? Yeah, those were great. Now, here’s Resident Evil: Retribution. Don’t feel too compelled to rush out and see it.” Of course, that’s not what they tell writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson. No, they tell him, “Oh yeah…your movies rock. That’s why we release them in September: we don’t want to totally bury stuff like The Dark Knight Rises and wreck the economy. Now, um, can you make your wife’s outfit any tighter and still have her breathe? Cool, thanks.”
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REPOST: Milla Jovovich (and husband) will eat your brain! “Resident Evil: Afterlife”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Arriving like a MOAB to cap off the summer movie season is Resident Evil: Afterlife—a movie that flaunts its B-status and boldly announces that it has no time being bogged down with pesky details like logic or coherency or even the laws of physics. Such things are for wussies, not for ass-kicking Milla Jovovich! What? You want gravity to affect people and objects? Go see a Bergman film. This is a Resident freakin’ Evil movie, where it’s perfectly normal for someone leaping through the air to stop and pivot. That shit just happens! Getting all pissy about suspending your disbelief when a waif-like heroine wields a machine gun one-handed? Hey, go back to the Ivy League, Mr. Hoity Toity! We’re here to see a hot chick kill zombies, and that’s it. If you feel a tingly sensation in your skull, that’s okay, that’s normal. It’s just your brain going to sleep. Or dying. But, hey, no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to need it for the next 90 minutes or so.
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Invade me twice, shame on me: “Independence Day: Resurgence”

June 25, 2016

 

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1996’s Independence Day was a perfect summer movie. It had a big budget, eye-popping special effects, arresting visuals, and some charismatic actors. Also, it was dumber than a retarded opossum, which, really, is about the IQ you want attached to your summer movies. We don’t go to them to think—that shit’s for winter movies, yo. Now, some 20 years later we have the long-awaited sequel Independence Day: Resurgence. Is it as dumb as the original? A thousand times yes! Is it as good as the original? Alas, no (whomp whomp). Is it as fun as the original? Well, it gets close. Allow me to explain…
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The alien invasion is really lame: “The 5th Wave”

January 22, 2016

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At some point in the past ten years, Young Adult novels stopped being about young female protagonists falling in love with various supernatural creatures (who then compete for her affections) and started being about young female protagonists killing people (while a couple dudes she doesn’t kill compete for her affections). This is, I guess, a form of progress–it’s better to have an active protagonist after all—and I suppose as long as we’re telling adolescent girls that all the world’s a sausage-party, it’s the responsible thing to also tell them that they’ll have to kill a few people to get past the velvet rope. The new YA adaptation The 5th Wave has its protagonist shoot a dude in the face in its first scene, so you can’t say it doesn’t get down to business.
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5 Ways the Prequel Trilogy is better than “The Force Awakens”

January 3, 2016

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Well, by Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been released to near-universal acclaim and a box office haul roughly on par with whatever the Visigoth’s made off with when they left Rome in the rear-view mirror. It was as if on December 18th, the world let out a collective sigh of relief that the Star Wars franchise could once again be associated with a quality movie. But this does somewhat of a disservice to the prequel trilogy. I mean, they weren’t all bad, right? There was some stuff they did pretty well, and–I daresay it—better than The Force Awakens. To wit…
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