Posts Tagged ‘Robots’

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The machine apocalypse is…not so bad, really: “Robot Overlords”

July 13, 2015

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Robot Overlords is the kind of movie that makes you look twice at the poster to assure yourself that, yes, this is a thing. This is a thing that exists right now. Someone made a low-budget movie about giant robots attacking a small British town and got Gillian Anderson and Sir Ben Kinsley to star it, and it is a thing in the world. As bizarre as that may seem.
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In the ’90s we were really worried about killer robots wielding sex toys: “Hardware”

September 8, 2013

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In 1990’s Hardware inexplicably got a theatrical release. I’m not sure why. It was clearly made on shoestring budget with no bankable actors, but, whatever. George H. W. Bush was in the White House, the Berlin Wall had fallen…everything was up for grabs. Today, Hardware has long (well, 20 years) been considered a lost classic. Personally, I think this praise is a bit inflated. Yes, Hardware was made for a relatively low budget, and has a ‘90s industrial soundtrack, but that hardly makes it the next coming of Blade Runner. I mean, when you get right down to it, the movie’s awfully silly and the people in it are much, much sillier. You can hose down the sets with as much blood as you want and crank up the Motorhead on the soundtrack, and you’re still just talking about a traditional “Robot-meet-girl; Robot-tries-to-kill-girl; Robot-is-hopelessly-inept-at-killing-girl” story.
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If you don’t like this movie you might not have a soul: “Pacific Rim”

July 14, 2013

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Pacific Rim, ah Pacific Rim. Well, this is pretty much the reason motion pictures were invented. About 120 years ago some dudes figured out a way to project moving images against a white background, and one of them—I think his name was Dave–said to the other (Lyle, I believe), “Awesome! Now we just gotta wait until CGI is invented so we can show giant robots punching monsters in the face!” It’s true. That’s a fact. You can look it up in, like, books and stuff. But don’t do it now, because right now you should be seeing Pacific Rim. Are you seeing Pacific Rim right now? If not, why not? This movie is pretty much the alpha and the omega of the art form. Because—let me restate—Giant. Robots. Punching. Monsters. In. The. Face.
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The long national nightmare is over: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

July 3, 2011

I’m trying to think of some pithy intro here, but, hey, it’s the new Transformers movie. I mean, if you get trampled by an elephant and end up with a compound fracture of the femur, the doc who looks after you doesn’t drop a witty bon mot before he yanks on your foot until the bone slides back in through the flesh and then resets it, does he? I don’t really know. That’s never happened to me, but I bet he doesn’t. No, he just does it. If he’s smart he gives you a slug of whiskey first. The point I’m trying to make is,, we both know this is going to hurt. Might as well get on with it. So: Transformers: Dark of Moon. The good news is that it’s probably the best of the three movies. The bad news is, that’s a little like saying last night’s prison rape was the politest gang-sodomy you’ve ever had. The praise is indeed faint.
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You have a great body…may I use it? “Saturn 3”

September 8, 2009

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Something is wrong on Saturn 3! shouted the ads for this movie. And, yes, something is indeed wrong on Saturn 3. First off, Harvey Keitel’s voice is all hinky. It’s not his voice. It really couldn’t be farther from his voice. In pretty much every role he sounds like a Brooklyn wiseguy. Hell, even as Judas in The Last Temptation of Christ he was all like “This mook, Jesus…give me my silver, you Roman shitbag before I put the heel of this Italian boot through your fuckin’ eye!” At least I think he said that. The other thing that is wrong is the fact that a 64 year-old Kirk Douglas is tagging a 33 year-old Farrah Fawcett. That’s very wrong. And it just keeps getting wronger as the movie progresses. In a movie in which a schizophrenic android slaughters and dismembers people and uses their organs for parts, the sight of the geriatric Douglas canoodling with a woman 30 years his junior is easily the most disturbing set of images in its run time.
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Attack of the cheap knock-offs: “War(s) of the Worlds” and “The Day the Earth Stopped”

June 21, 2009

200px-EarthstoppedSo apparently while you’ve all been sipping your lattes and surfing the Internet, a small production company called The Asylum (they of the classic MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus) has been making direct-to-DVD knockoffs of Hollywood blockbusters, and C. Thomas Howell has been carving out a nice empire of his own within this genre. I knew about some of these films, and I even caught Howell in H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds when it was released to compete with Spielberg’s version. I simply assumed he was an innocent bystander caught up in all this dreck—just some poor former Brat-Packer who needed money to keep his ’97 Saturn running. I never would have imagined he was evil genius starring/directing/producing these cinematic daisycutters bombs. A sort of crap-movie Rommell if you will. Alas, there he is, foisting another War of the Worlds knockoff at us, along with The Day the Earth Stopped. I’m not going to go so far as to say that C. Thomas Howell is the devil, but I’m sure there’s a UN human rights tribunal with his name on it. Or at least there should be.
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