Posts Tagged ‘movies’

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REPOST: Return of the living (brain) dead franchise: Resident Evil: Retribution”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Well, it’s September, and every couple of Septembers the horks up a cinematic hairball in the form of yet another Resident Evil movie. It’s sort of Hollywood’s way of closing the summer by reminding us that it really doesn’t like us. It’s saying, in effect, “Hey, remember all those great mega-blockbusters we pummeled you with this summer? Yeah, those were great. Now, here’s Resident Evil: Retribution. Don’t feel too compelled to rush out and see it.” Of course, that’s not what they tell writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson. No, they tell him, “Oh yeah…your movies rock. That’s why we release them in September: we don’t want to totally bury stuff like The Dark Knight Rises and wreck the economy. Now, um, can you make your wife’s outfit any tighter and still have her breathe? Cool, thanks.”
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REPOST: Milla Jovovich (and husband) will eat your brain! “Resident Evil: Afterlife”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Arriving like a MOAB to cap off the summer movie season is Resident Evil: Afterlife—a movie that flaunts its B-status and boldly announces that it has no time being bogged down with pesky details like logic or coherency or even the laws of physics. Such things are for wussies, not for ass-kicking Milla Jovovich! What? You want gravity to affect people and objects? Go see a Bergman film. This is a Resident freakin’ Evil movie, where it’s perfectly normal for someone leaping through the air to stop and pivot. That shit just happens! Getting all pissy about suspending your disbelief when a waif-like heroine wields a machine gun one-handed? Hey, go back to the Ivy League, Mr. Hoity Toity! We’re here to see a hot chick kill zombies, and that’s it. If you feel a tingly sensation in your skull, that’s okay, that’s normal. It’s just your brain going to sleep. Or dying. But, hey, no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to need it for the next 90 minutes or so.
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CGI Hellhounds Will Eat Your Face (or maybe they won’t): “The Bye Bye Man”

January 18, 2017

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Well, it’s Januarythat time of the year when Hollywood wakes from the booze-and-coke-fueled bender it went on to celebrate the holiday releases, squints bleary-eyed at all of dopes looking to buy movie tickets and mutters, “Oh…are you still here? Um…why don’t you see Rogue One again? Oh, you’ve already seen it six times…okay, how about Passengers? Too rapey? Got it. Um…ah, fuck it, here’s The Bye Bye Man. Watch this schlock and wake me when it’s February.” And that’s how we end up with The Bye Bye Man.
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Shredded like cheese: “The Legend of Tarzan”

July 4, 2016

The_Legend_of_Tarzan_poster

Have a gander at my video review of The Legend of Tarzan, in which a hyper-shredded Swede saves Africa with the help of a bunch of bad CGI animals. While you’re at it, check out my review of the sleaze-tastic 1981 version with Bo Derek HERE. 

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Bozo breaks bad: “Clown”

July 3, 2016

Clown_(2014_film)_poster

Check out my video review of 2016’s (or 2014’s…or 2010’s) Clown directed by Jon Watts, who I refer to as Joe Watts, because I’m a moron).

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Invade me twice, shame on me: “Independence Day: Resurgence”

June 25, 2016

 

independence-day-2-resurgence-movie-poster

1996’s Independence Day was a perfect summer movie. It had a big budget, eye-popping special effects, arresting visuals, and some charismatic actors. Also, it was dumber than a retarded opossum, which, really, is about the IQ you want attached to your summer movies. We don’t go to them to think—that shit’s for winter movies, yo. Now, some 20 years later we have the long-awaited sequel Independence Day: Resurgence. Is it as dumb as the original? A thousand times yes! Is it as good as the original? Alas, no (whomp whomp). Is it as fun as the original? Well, it gets close. Allow me to explain…
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RIP Anton Yelchin: “Fright Night”

June 20, 2016

You know Hollywood is deep in the Dead Horse Seas of creative bankruptcy when they remake a movie like 1985’s Fright Night. I mean, it’s not like the movie was any kind of a high water mark of ‘80s cinema. But it has a vampire in it, which you know tripped some producer’s cultural IFF, and, apparently while they were at it, someone said, “Hey why don’t we shoot this thing in 3D so we can squeeze a couple extra bucks out of the Twilight fans and goth kids who see this movie.” And yet, despite the eminently cynical calculations that borne it, the remake of Fright Night manages to be just as charming and understated as the original.
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