Posts Tagged ‘monsters’

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The alien space-octopus will eat your ass: “Life”

March 27, 2017

Life arrives just in time to offer itself up as a corrective to the critically-adored The Arrival—a movie everyone went gaga over, despite its ludicrous premise. I mean, let’s be realistic here: if/when tentacle aliens encounter humanity they’re not going to be all “Ooo…let’s all be friends and here’s the future history of your unborn daughter, because parenthood is the real awesome mystery!” Nope. They’re pretty much going to be, “RAWR! IMMA EAT YOU!” Life understands that.

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Only two super powers could make something this gloriously stupid: “The Great Wall”

February 21, 2017

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Not since a giant robot used an oil tanker as a baseball bat to club a sea monster into submission in Pacific Rim has a movie embraced its own glorious dumbness with as much aplomb as The Great Wall. This is, after all, a joint venture between two titanic entertainment industries, whose viewership numbers the billions (with a B). And the movie they chose to collaborate on is this…in which the Great Wall of China is the last defense against hoards of rampaging alien dragons. Really, I don’t know why people are so exorcised about an ascendant China—they seem to know what they’re doing as far as movies go. Because if you’re not enjoying alien dragons battling ancient Chinese soldiers on the Great Wall of China, well…I don’t know, are you sure you’re alive?
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Rage, rage against the dying of the…eh, never mind: “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter”

January 31, 2017

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Since it’s got the word final right there in the title, I have to assume that Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is indeed the last installment of this brain-dead franchise to grace the silver screen. And I have to admit, I find this a little bittersweet. I mean, the Resident Evil movies were never what you’d call good or creative or a worthwhile utilization of money, talent or time, but after 15 (wow!) years they’ve been a kind of companion. Like a very, very dumb dog that shows up from time to time to play fetch, only to get distracted by its own shadow.  After a while you just gotta figure if you’re disappointed in it for not composing Shakespeare, well, that’s on you. I mean, you know what it was when it started trying to dry-hump a football.
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REPOST: Return of the living (brain) dead franchise: Resident Evil: Retribution”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Well, it’s September, and every couple of Septembers the horks up a cinematic hairball in the form of yet another Resident Evil movie. It’s sort of Hollywood’s way of closing the summer by reminding us that it really doesn’t like us. It’s saying, in effect, “Hey, remember all those great mega-blockbusters we pummeled you with this summer? Yeah, those were great. Now, here’s Resident Evil: Retribution. Don’t feel too compelled to rush out and see it.” Of course, that’s not what they tell writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson. No, they tell him, “Oh yeah…your movies rock. That’s why we release them in September: we don’t want to totally bury stuff like The Dark Knight Rises and wreck the economy. Now, um, can you make your wife’s outfit any tighter and still have her breathe? Cool, thanks.”
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REPOST: Milla Jovovich (and husband) will eat your brain! “Resident Evil: Afterlife”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Arriving like a MOAB to cap off the summer movie season is Resident Evil: Afterlife—a movie that flaunts its B-status and boldly announces that it has no time being bogged down with pesky details like logic or coherency or even the laws of physics. Such things are for wussies, not for ass-kicking Milla Jovovich! What? You want gravity to affect people and objects? Go see a Bergman film. This is a Resident freakin’ Evil movie, where it’s perfectly normal for someone leaping through the air to stop and pivot. That shit just happens! Getting all pissy about suspending your disbelief when a waif-like heroine wields a machine gun one-handed? Hey, go back to the Ivy League, Mr. Hoity Toity! We’re here to see a hot chick kill zombies, and that’s it. If you feel a tingly sensation in your skull, that’s okay, that’s normal. It’s just your brain going to sleep. Or dying. But, hey, no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to need it for the next 90 minutes or so.
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CGI Hellhounds Will Eat Your Face (or maybe they won’t): “The Bye Bye Man”

January 18, 2017

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Well, it’s Januarythat time of the year when Hollywood wakes from the booze-and-coke-fueled bender it went on to celebrate the holiday releases, squints bleary-eyed at all of dopes looking to buy movie tickets and mutters, “Oh…are you still here? Um…why don’t you see Rogue One again? Oh, you’ve already seen it six times…okay, how about Passengers? Too rapey? Got it. Um…ah, fuck it, here’s The Bye Bye Man. Watch this schlock and wake me when it’s February.” And that’s how we end up with The Bye Bye Man.
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Bozo breaks bad: “Clown”

July 3, 2016

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Check out my video review of 2016’s (or 2014’s…or 2010’s) Clown directed by Jon Watts, who I refer to as Joe Watts, because I’m a moron).