Posts Tagged ‘military’

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Humanity’s greatest artistic achievement? Maybe. “Mega Shark Versus Kolossus”

July 23, 2015

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Well, it seems rumors of the Mega Shark’s demise were greatly exaggerated, as the good folks at The Asylum Pictures have dusted him off for yet another outing. Either these god-awful movies are more lucrative than I imagined or they really want to get their 150 bucks worth out of the CGI shark rendering they bought (probably online). Whatever the case, now I feel pretty silly getting all sentimental at the end of Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. I swear I wouldn’t have gone on a three-day bender and sent all those weepy texts to Deborah Gibson if I knew that a scant year later the big guy would be back to battle its greatest foe yet: a massive Russian humanoid robot-bomb. Yes, just let that sink in a bit.
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Total system failure: “Terminator: Genisys”

June 28, 2015

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[NOTE: This reviews contains some spoilers, though nothing that wasn’t given away in the trailers for the film. Still, if you’re totally unspoiled about Terminator: Genisys you may want to avoid this review.]

Few things are worse today than the were in the early ‘90s: music, fashion, technology are all much, much better than in, say, 1991. If you don’t believe me, just take a wander down memory lane that is the Internet and behold that INXS-rocking, tortoiseshell glasses-wearing, Discman-listening-to moment in history and you’ll likely feel the same immense relief at being alive in this point in time as when you read an article about, say, medieval medical practices. But there is one thing the early ‘90s had over today, at least 24 years ago we could get a decent Terminator movie, as opposed to the one Hollywood just coughed up. Yep, I’ll just say it: Terminator: Genisys is even dumber than it’s title.

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Home supply center of DEATH!!! “The Equalizer”

September 29, 2014

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At this point in our shared history of American filmmaking I think we can all agree that when it comes to originality, Hollywood is about as virile as that quadzillion year-old dude Guy Pearce played in Prometheus (you know, where he was wearing the makeup that made him look like a human apple-head doll?) And yet even with most movie producers content to churn out remakes and sequels until the Universe dies, The Equalizer is still a really unlikely property to adapt. It was a relatively short-lived TV series about a former spy turned urban-vigilante, and it starred Edward Woodward. Which is weird because A) he looked a good twenty years older than he really was, and B) he was British, which makes him an odd recruit for an American intelligence service. Anyhoo, it’s 2014, and Hollywood obviously just assumes that anyone who actually watched the original show is now dead (thanks, Hollywood), and they’ve remade the series as an action movie. The good news is in casting Denzel Washington, they’ve gotten an actor who, while a solid decade older than Woodward was in the role, actually looks like he could dismantle a couple of Russian thugs. The bad news is the movie’s an over-long, atonal mess that doesn’t isn’t even fun when the hero is killing bad guys with gardening tools.
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The (cough) conclusion of the trilogy: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

July 1, 2014

[And that brings us to the first not-terrible installment in the franchise, Transformers: Dark of the Moon.]

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I’m trying to think of some pithy intro here, but, hey, it’s the new Transformers movie. I mean, if you get trampled by an elephant and end up with a compound fracture of the femur, the doc who looks after you doesn’t drop a witty bon mot before he yanks on your foot until the bone slides back in through the flesh and then resets it, does he? I don’t really know. That’s never happened to me, but I bet he doesn’t. No, he just does it. If he’s smart he gives you a slug of whiskey first. The point I’m trying to make is,, we both know this is going to hurt. Might as well get on with it. So: Transformers: Dark of Moon. The good news is that it’s probably the best of the three movies. The bad news is, that’s a little like saying last night’s prison rape was the politest gang-sodomy you’ve ever had. The praise is indeed faint.

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Another look back: “Transformers: Rise of the Fallen”

July 1, 2014

[And here we look back at the low point in this franchise–and that’s saying something–with the execrable Transformers: Rise of the Fallen.]

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If you’ve read my review of the first Transformers movie, then you know that I didn’t love it. I thought it was loud, stupid, obnoxious, and not all that exciting. It was as if Michael Bay thought if he bludgeoned us with enough activity onscreen, he could convince us we were seeing a fun summer movie. A lot of people thought I was being too hard on what was meant to be a silly summer action movie about giant robots fighting. Kassandra the Work Wife brought up this point on several occasions, “Big robots whaling on each other. What more do you want? I don’t want to think too hard about a movie, Mr. I’m-All-Cool-Because-I-Use-My-Higher-Brain-Functions. Just eat your damn popcorn and enjoy Optimus Prime stomping Deceptacon ass, Mr. Thinkee.” The problem I have with this argument is that the classic summer movie’s that we’ve come to love were well-made­ pieces of disposable entertainment. We still recall and love them precisely because they were so well-made. Transformers was not. Quick, tell me your favorite line or scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Terminator 2, Escape from New York, or Die Hard. Okay, now tell me your favorite line or scene from Transformers (and none of that “One will rise; one will fall” bullshit. That was on the poster). Right, I didn’t think so. Well, the bad news is that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is everything the original was and much, much  more. If the first one was a cinematic pummeling, this one is the Bataan Death March.

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Going off the rails: “Snowpiercer”

June 29, 2014

[Well, it looks like Snowpiercer has finally been released in the US. So, here is a repost of my review from December 13, 2013]

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If you dislike winter as much as I do—heralding as I do from a place that transforms into a frozen wasteland seven month out of the year where the wind howls like a soul in purgatory over a landscape of desolate snowdrifts—then the environmental cataclysm that forms the backdrop of the quirky new sci-fi parable Snowpiercer will likely strike a chord. If you’re one of those fortunate people who’ve never experienced sensation of feeling your hair freeze or don’t understand why you’d need to let your car run for a half an hour before driving it into the unforgiving elements…well, then Snowpiercer’s tale of social injustice will probably hook you. Because no matter what climate you were brought up in, no one wants a schoolmarmish Tilda Swinton lecturing you day in and day out.
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Hail to the King, baby! “Godzilla”

May 19, 2014

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Well, the summer movie season is upon us in full force with the arrival of a 60 year-old classic movie star, whom movie execs are hoping will set the box office aflame with his radioactive breath (no, not Tom Cruise—his movie comes out later this summer). Of course you know who I’m talking about—the poster’s right up above this post, and even if it wasn’t we’ve all been deluged with ads for this movie. But aside from the normal box office-related expectations, hanging over this movie is also the vague dread that springs from what happened the last time the US tried to handle this property. Well, let’s lay that fear to rest right now: this Godzilla movie does nothing less than return the G-man to his rightful place as King of the Monsters. It’s an amazing film It’s the most visually-distinct summer movie I’ve seen since I-don’t-know-when. I hope Roland Emmerich watches it and cries.
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