Posts Tagged ‘Bruce Willis’

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Criminally Overlooked: “Last Man Standing”

January 23, 2016

FC-936full-last-man-standing-poster

New Line Cinemas might have been forgiven for thinking they had a sure-fire hit—or at least a modest box office winner—with Last Man Standing. After all, here was a bang-bang-shoot-‘em-up action film headlined by a still-hot Bruce Willis just two years after the monster success of Pulp Fiction, and directed by action-film maestro Water Hill. Unfortunately, Last Man Standing sunk like a Russian submarine at the box office when it opened in 1996, and while Bruce Willis’s reputation emerged unscathed (as it would continue to for the next fifteen of mostly terrible films), it hastened Walter Hill’s descent into Hollywood obsolescence. Twenty years later it’s worth taking a second look.
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A bad day for an action franchise: “A Good Day to Die Hard”

February 17, 2013

DieHard5-jpg_183654Good effing Lord, what the hell did I just see? Because it sure as hell couldn’t have been a Die Hard movie. Look, I know the quality of the movies have declined since…well, the first one, but these have never been cheap, action-movie knockoffs. Well, not until now, I guess.  And that’s sad, because Die Hard is basically the perfect action film. Every time you make a lousy sequel to it, some of the luster is rubbed off of it. And a unicorn dies. Truly. That’s what happens when you make a bad sequel. So, what is so wrong with this movie? Let’s have a look…
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Killing time: “Looper”

September 29, 2012

Looper isn’t a hugely twisty-turny movie, but the plot developments it does have are pretty important, so I’m not going to spoil anything you couldn’t see in the trailers. Plus, this is a really, really good movie, so you should go out and see it. You should see it right now. What are you doing right now that’s more important than seeing Looper? Unless you’re performing open-heart surgery or negotiating with North Korea, you can see Looper. And if you’re doing one of those two things, then you probably shouldn’t be reading this. But if you aren’t attempting to avert World War III, then, yeah, go see Looper. It’s not the best sci-fi movie ever made, but it’s up there.
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Bruce Willis gets killed in the first reel: “The Cold Light of Day”

September 7, 2012

(The Cold Light of Day was released in Thailand already, so I got an advance taste of this waste of celluloid. Below is a reprint of my orginal review posted April 10, 2012)

Yeah, Bruce gets it about twenty minutes in, just as the plot gets moving. There, see? I just saved you from being as disappointed as I was when I realized that I was going to have to spend the rest of this movie following Henry Cavill around. Because, as I pointed out in my review of his last starring feature, Immortals, Cavill is a terrible action lead. He’s pretty much the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with today’s crop of leading men: he’s a pretty boy with chiseled physique, but you don’t believe for a minute he could hold his own on a Milwaukee bowling alley, let alone with some international thugs. Every time the little twerp is on screen, one word ran through my head: DOUCHETARD.

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Bruce Willis gets killed in the first reel: “The Cold Light of Day”

April 10, 2012

Yeah, Bruce gets it about twenty minutes in, just as the plot gets moving. There, see? I just saved you from being as disappointed as I was when I realized that I was going to have to spend the rest of this movie following Henry Cavill around. Because, as I pointed out in my review of his last starring feature, Immortals, Cavill is a terrible action lead. He’s pretty much the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with today’s crop of leading men: he’s a pretty boy with chiseled physique, but you don’t believe for a minute he could hold his own on a Milwaukee bowling alley, let alone with some international thugs. Every time the little twerp is on screen, one word ran through my head: DOUCHETARD.

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James Cromwell invents the future: “Surrogates”

October 24, 2009

surrogatesWhat is it with James Cromwell? How did this character-actor (always awesome, btw) become the inventor of the future? Check out his resume: In I, Robot he played the dude in charge of the massive company that had the monopoly on personal androids (though, it should be noted, they didn’t go batshit crazy on his watch); in Star Trek: First Contact, he was the scientist who invented warp speed, and allowed William Shatner easy access to hot-to-trot alien babes throughout the galaxy; and now, in Surrogates, he plays the ousted CEO of the company which produces “surrogates”—artificial human avatars who go about daily life, while their controllers lay strapped in futuristic Barcalaungers.  I know the guy’s a workhorse—his IMDB page has him in 6 projects in 2009 alone—but what is it about this guy that makes people think, “Huh. When flying cars are invented, I’ll bet the dude running the company will look just like him”?
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Christmas Movie Round-up!

December 23, 2008

bad-santaSo, recently Kassandra the Work-Wife told me “You need to review something new. I’m tired of the looking at the poster for Midnight Meat Train. It’s boring.” As I was in the multi-day process of returning home from Iraq, I told her it might take awhile. “Oh, stop being such a baby about things. All of a sudden you’re so self-centered: ‘Wah! I can’t review movies because I’m traveling for the next 72 hours! Wah! I can’t keep texting you internationally because my phone bill was $500 bucks this month! Wah! I can’t talk to you right now because we’re being rocketed and I have to run to a bunker!’ Jeez, find your balls, cowboy up and review a freakin’ movie will you?” Unfortunately, I’d have to get around to seeing one worth reviewing, and that hasn’t happened yet. Instead, I thought we’d do something a bit more seasonal. I mean, it’s Christmas and all, why have some horrible B-movie’s poster plastered on my site over Christmas? So, here’s a quick holiday movie roundup. Just a quick (and easy) way to celebrate the season. So, in no particular order:

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