Posts Tagged ‘Bangkok’

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REPOST: Milla Jovovich (and husband) will eat your brain! “Resident Evil: Afterlife”

January 31, 2017

[In preparation for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter I thought I’d repost some of my reviews of earlier installments…you know, so you’re all caught up on the labyrinthine mythology of this series.]

Arriving like a MOAB to cap off the summer movie season is Resident Evil: Afterlife—a movie that flaunts its B-status and boldly announces that it has no time being bogged down with pesky details like logic or coherency or even the laws of physics. Such things are for wussies, not for ass-kicking Milla Jovovich! What? You want gravity to affect people and objects? Go see a Bergman film. This is a Resident freakin’ Evil movie, where it’s perfectly normal for someone leaping through the air to stop and pivot. That shit just happens! Getting all pissy about suspending your disbelief when a waif-like heroine wields a machine gun one-handed? Hey, go back to the Ivy League, Mr. Hoity Toity! We’re here to see a hot chick kill zombies, and that’s it. If you feel a tingly sensation in your skull, that’s okay, that’s normal. It’s just your brain going to sleep. Or dying. But, hey, no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to need it for the next 90 minutes or so.
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Movie bad! “I, Frankenstein”

January 28, 2014

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Probably the best way to watch I, Frankenstein  is after huffing a zeppelin-worth of spray paint. It won’t make the movie any better, or the dialogue sound like it was written by professionals and not, say ADD-afflicted spider monkeys, but you’ll care about it less.
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Wow, 2014 movies went downhill fast: “Devil’s Due”

January 21, 2014

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You know, I’m not a person who can’t appreciate it when a movie decides to be a little unconventional—I mean, hey, the more you deviate from the Hollywood system the better, IMHO (you know, just don’t take it too far—I don’t want to end up watching a movie about a Dutch kid and his pet clump of dirt or something…). Still, I believe that certain movies make a promise to the audience, and when you have a movie called Devil’s Due and it concerns the spawn of Satan, well, I better goddamn well see a baby with a spiked tail. Horns are optional, but the long, spiked tail is a must. Reader, Devil’s Due has no such be-tailed baby. And that’s just one of its many, many flaws.
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October Spooktacular repost: “Paranormal Activity 3”

October 19, 2012

Okay, I’m gonna try real hard NOT to spoil Paranormal Activity 3. I’ll have to give away some basic plot points, but none of the critical ones.

Wow! Paranormal Activity 3. Has it been three films already? Don’t answer that, it’s rhetorical. So, yeah, we’re on the third installment in a franchise that really hasn’t been half-bad. If you read my reviews of the first two films, then you know that I appreciate these films for what they are: essentially shock-delivery-systems. This one is no different in its intent, though it tweaks the formula a tad by setting the action in the distant world of 1988 and showing how Katie and Kristi’s relationship with the demon began. So, basically it’s a prequel to a prequel. Taken to its logical extreme, sooner or later we’re going to get an installment where velociraptors are menaced by an unseen entity that pulls their tails and steals their eggs. Man, I hope they make that movie.
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Bruce Willis gets killed in the first reel: “The Cold Light of Day”

September 7, 2012

(The Cold Light of Day was released in Thailand already, so I got an advance taste of this waste of celluloid. Below is a reprint of my orginal review posted April 10, 2012)

Yeah, Bruce gets it about twenty minutes in, just as the plot gets moving. There, see? I just saved you from being as disappointed as I was when I realized that I was going to have to spend the rest of this movie following Henry Cavill around. Because, as I pointed out in my review of his last starring feature, Immortals, Cavill is a terrible action lead. He’s pretty much the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with today’s crop of leading men: he’s a pretty boy with chiseled physique, but you don’t believe for a minute he could hold his own on a Milwaukee bowling alley, let alone with some international thugs. Every time the little twerp is on screen, one word ran through my head: DOUCHETARD.

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The chase continues: “The Bourne Legacy”

August 20, 2012

Okay, so next up we have The Bourne Legacy, the second franchise that has been handed over to Jeremy Renner to run with (after last fall’s Mission: Impossible 4guess Tom needed more time for that last-ditch brainwashing effort on Katie). As cautious as I was to see the Bourne story continue beyond what seemed to be a decent and self-contained trilogy, those movies have been consistently good, and Renner is a capable and charismatic lead, so I went in with guarded optimism. That’s why it gives me no pleasure to say that The Bourne Legacy is a bit of a dud. It’s easily the weakest of the four films, and for the first time presents a Bourne movie that’s actually slow.
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Accentuating the Positive: Finding the good points of “The Phantom Menace”

February 16, 2012

Hey. What’s happening? You cool? Good. There weren’t any good movies released in Bangkok this weekend, so I ended up seeing Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D. Oh, who am I kidding? There was no “ended up” about it. I am a Star Wars child. My formative moment came in 1977 when a Star Destroyer crawled from the top of the screen to the bottom. George Lucas could release Star Wars: 120 minutes of Blank Film and I’d be there, front and center with my popcorn and Coke, thinking, “Hey, at least there aren’t Ewoks, right?” Of course we all know Phantom Menace sucks. It sucks in two dimensions, and a third won’t improve it. Hell, a fourth dimension in which Jar Jar Binks appears as Chris Yen dressed as a Green Orion Slave Girl striking poses with a katana sword (something I’m pretty sure the scientists at Fermilab will prove the fourth dimension to be any day now) would only make it passable. Still, it’s easy to rail on TPM, and after Red Letter Media’s expert takedown of it, there’s not much point in it. Instead, I decided to challenge myself and find the good points of the movie.

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