Posts Tagged ‘aliens’

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Michael Bay’s death march of fun continues: “Transformers: Age of Extinction”

July 1, 2014

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Transformers: Age of Extinction is the fourth installment in Michael Bay’s Transformers trilogy. Mull that over a bit; it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie. And speaking of, okay, I just have to vent a bit. This was supposed to be a trilogy, as in “three films and then sweet release.” Not “three films and, oh fuck it—they’re a license to print money and I can’t yet buy my own island where I can people like sport.” So now we have this. And there are dinosaurs this time. (Sigh) okay, let’s just get this over with.
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The (cough) conclusion of the trilogy: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

July 1, 2014

[And that brings us to the first not-terrible installment in the franchise, Transformers: Dark of the Moon.]

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I’m trying to think of some pithy intro here, but, hey, it’s the new Transformers movie. I mean, if you get trampled by an elephant and end up with a compound fracture of the femur, the doc who looks after you doesn’t drop a witty bon mot before he yanks on your foot until the bone slides back in through the flesh and then resets it, does he? I don’t really know. That’s never happened to me, but I bet he doesn’t. No, he just does it. If he’s smart he gives you a slug of whiskey first. The point I’m trying to make is,, we both know this is going to hurt. Might as well get on with it. So: Transformers: Dark of Moon. The good news is that it’s probably the best of the three movies. The bad news is, that’s a little like saying last night’s prison rape was the politest gang-sodomy you’ve ever had. The praise is indeed faint.

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If I had a hammer… “Thor: The Dark World”

November 11, 2013

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Oh swell, there’s a new Thor movie. I have to ask, did we need this? I mean, the first Thor was basically just a means to set him up for The Avengers. It was so when he appeared in that movie audiences wouldn’t wonder if they were suddenly watching a gay orgy. The story was pretty uninvolving with almost no stakes, per se, except for a tiny New Mexico town, or if you happened to care about Thor’s home town of pipe-organland. Alas, Marvell isn’t done taking our money and has to set up a separate film franchise, so we get Thor: Dark World.

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It came from…well, really bad science: “Creature from the Black Lagoon”

November 1, 2013

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October Spooktacular 2013 comes to a close with a monster I like so much it adorns this very site: The Creature from the Black Lagoon (that’s him up there on the left). The creature is one of Universal Studios more famous monsters—rightly so, too—and his premiere outing is a highly enjoyable, technically proficient piece of storytelling. Like The Thing, and Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Creature from the Black Lagoon harkens back to a time when even a light sci-fi/horror diversion wasn’t regarded as disposable, nor were they cheap, stupid or lazy.
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Robin Hood vs. the Mound Walkers (guess who wins?): “The New Daughter”

October 30, 2013

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[NOTE: This is a repost. For a spirited defense of the film, please read the comments below my original post here.]

Well, I guess it’s that time again. The stars lined up, or the Druids did a ritual, or perhaps it was foretold in ancient texts. Whatever the case, Kevin Costner has returned to once again to remind us that he’s not dead. Of course, anyone who suffered through Mr. Brooks knows that it has been a long, self-inflicted fall from his glory days of The Untouchables and Bull Durham. Hell, by the time his latest crapfest, The New Daughter, ends in a blaze of shameless stealing from better movies, Costner was probably even longing for his more hubristic days of drinking his own pee in Waterworld.
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Really? It’s come to this? “The Midnight Meat Train”

October 21, 2013

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Is this happening? Am I really reviewing a movie called Midnight Meat Train? Really? How can this possibly end any other way than the expected one? Dear reader, do you honestly expect me to say “Midnight Meat Train is a triumph of American filmmaking that will make you forget The Godfather?”  Why am I even forced to watch, let alone review, a movie called Midnight Meat Train? What horrible choices did I make in life to bring me to this place? I’m serious. You don’t really see the darkness of the road you’ve chosen until you see the words Midnight Meat Train appear on an iPPad screen and you realize, “Holy shit, there’s a movie attached to this!”

And so there is. Lucky us. Oh, happy day. All right, let’s get this over with.
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Nyet! Nyet! “The Darkest Hour”

October 17, 2013

Oh swell, The Darkest Hour. The only reason I can think of that this movie exist is that Hollywood hates us all, and decided it would just be too difficult and time-consuming to punch us all in the face. That or some producer needs a way to launder some cash he’s been embezzling, and African conflict diamonds didn’t seem evil enough. Either way, certainly no one could have made this movie because they thought it’s good…I mean, here is a movie that asks us to plunk down what little of our hard-earned money the 1% didn’t steal out of our wallets in the middle of the night (that’s what they do, right?) to watch a couple douchetards being chased through Moscow by—(aw Jesus…)—wavy distortions. Seriously, that’s what happens in this movie. I’ve had more creative bowel movements after a bowl of tom yum goong than anything happens at any time ever in this flick.
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