Posts Tagged ‘action, movies, movie reviews, whaling, Moby Dick, Chris Hemsworth’

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From the Mists of Time: “Fire Birds”

September 14, 2015

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Believe it or not, there was a time when we, the movie going public, did not yet realize that Nicolas Cage was nuts. Nope, it’s true. Hindsight being 20/20, the signs were there—I give you Zandalee—but 25 years ago, most of us were perfectly willing to accept Nic Cage as a hotshot gunship pilot. Well, movie studios were willing to believe that we were willing to accept Nicolas Cage as a hotshot gunship pilot. Look, it was a different time. The Internet hadn’t been invented yet–we had to take our entertainment where it came. 
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Because we haven’t suffered enough: “Hitman: Agent 47”

August 25, 2015

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So, this is really happening, huh? We actually have a remake/reboot/further installment of the Hitman, uh, franchise (please God tell me we don’t have to call it a franchise). This despite the fact that the first Hitman movie was a critical and financial flop that no one really wanted in the first place. But, Hollywood being Hollywood, a couple of railed-to-the-gills-on-coke movie execs decided, what the hell. I mean, just because the movie failed once maybe it’ll fail less badly this time. And that’s how we got Hitman: Agent 47. At least I assume that’s what happened. It really doesn’t matter. Like chlamydia or a tornado it’s here and we have to deal with it.

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Humanity’s greatest artistic achievement? Maybe. “Mega Shark Versus Kolossus”

July 23, 2015

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Well, it seems rumors of the Mega Shark’s demise were greatly exaggerated, as the good folks at The Asylum Pictures have dusted him off for yet another outing. Either these god-awful movies are more lucrative than I imagined or they really want to get their 150 bucks worth out of the CGI shark rendering they bought (probably online). Whatever the case, now I feel pretty silly getting all sentimental at the end of Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. I swear I wouldn’t have gone on a three-day bender and sent all those weepy texts to Deborah Gibson if I knew that a scant year later the big guy would be back to battle its greatest foe yet: a massive Russian humanoid robot-bomb. Yes, just let that sink in a bit.
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Repost: “Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark”

July 23, 2015

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So we come to it at last: the final chapter in the Mega Shark trilogy. It’s been a long, emotionally-wrought journey, as we followed this cartilage-framed anti-hero from the ice of the Arctic ocean to the wild, vibrant nightlife of Panama (the shark didn’t do any partying—he mostly just ate people). He confronted such nemesis’s (nemesi?) as Giant Octopuses, the US Navy, Crocasauruses, the US Navy again, and Deborah Gibson. But like all great series’—Breaking Bad, The Shield, Mystery Science Theater 3000—this one too must come to an end. And you gotta give The Asylum this much: with Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark they did indeed save the best for last.

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The machine apocalypse is…not so bad, really: “Robot Overlords”

July 13, 2015

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Robot Overlords is the kind of movie that makes you look twice at the poster to assure yourself that, yes, this is a thing. This is a thing that exists right now. Someone made a low-budget movie about giant robots attacking a small British town and got Gillian Anderson and Sir Ben Kinsley to star it, and it is a thing in the world. As bizarre as that may seem.
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From the mists of time: “I, the Jury”

July 5, 2015

 

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It’s tempting to call 1982’s I, the Jury a sleazy, pulpy , mercenary adaptation of Mickey Spillane’s 1947 novel, but that would ignore just how sleazy and pulpy Spillane’s novel is in the first place. Sure, the movie basically jettisons big chunks of Spillane’s plot and fills it in with crap about mind-control and the CIA, but Spillane probably would have done that if he’d thought of it at the time (and who knows, he might have used it in later novels—he wrote, like, a million of them). No, this I, the Jury is just as trashy and lurid as its source material (which courted controversy upon its release for its violence and sex), adjusted, of course, for for 1982 sensibilities, and that amounts to very lurid and trashy. I mean, there’s a reason that during my childhood, this movie was the Holy Grail of HBO’s early offerings, and it’s not the snazzy soundtrack.
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Total system failure: “Terminator: Genisys”

June 28, 2015

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[NOTE: This reviews contains some spoilers, though nothing that wasn’t given away in the trailers for the film. Still, if you’re totally unspoiled about Terminator: Genisys you may want to avoid this review.]

Few things are worse today than the were in the early ‘90s: music, fashion, technology are all much, much better than in, say, 1991. If you don’t believe me, just take a wander down memory lane that is the Internet and behold that INXS-rocking, tortoiseshell glasses-wearing, Discman-listening-to moment in history and you’ll likely feel the same immense relief at being alive in this point in time as when you read an article about, say, medieval medical practices. But there is one thing the early ‘90s had over today, at least 24 years ago we could get a decent Terminator movie, as opposed to the one Hollywood just coughed up. Yep, I’ll just say it: Terminator: Genisys is even dumber than it’s title.

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