Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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Like, ten, maybe fifteen leagues under the sea: “Phantom”

March 5, 2013

posterI have a sweet spot for submarine movies. I don’t know why—ordinarily I try to avoid confined spaces filled with sexually-frustrated men (advice from my high school guidance counselor that comes in handy more often than you’d think). But, man, I just enjoy the hell out of submarine movies. Maybe because, unlike those sailors, I can actually get up and walk around and get laid during my day. Whatever. Anyway, once I saw a poster for a submarine movie that starred Ed Harris, David Duchovny, William Fichtner, and Lance Henriksen all I could think to say was, “Holy F&#$, yes!”
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Math will save your life (from awoken, prehistoric beasts): “Tasmanian Devils”

February 19, 2013

posterWhen Syfy informs you that their next offering includes, 1) Danica McKellar, 2) Apolo Ohno, and 3) CGI Tasmanian Devils, how can you answer except, “Oh yes….Yes!” I mean, it’s like Christmas decided to make an encore at the end of January and, instead of bringing us a second helping of good-tidings and cheer, instead plops a healthy helping of hawt babes, douchebags getting pwned by CGI beasties, and atrocious production values. I mean, I don’t know what brings you joy—maybe your kids or blacking out drunk or some combination of the two—but this movie pretty much hit my bad-movie-lovers G-spot.
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Whatever you do don’t crack a smile: “Extreme Prejudice”

February 2, 2013

epHistory has not only forgotten about Extreme Prejudice, but it seems to have done its level best to bury it in a shallow grave alongside the neighbor’s dog (I’m not fond of my neighbors). This is a bit perplexing since, while not without its faults (there are plenty), Extreme Prejudice is hardly a terrible film. Alas, today, Prejudice is barely remembered—even in the canon of guy movie shoot ‘em ups. Maybe if someone had reminded Nolte to smile or, you know, emote anything besides low-key annoyance it’d be a little more loved. Plus it takes forever to get to the climactic bloodbath. Now if you’re gonna have a bloodbath, it really should close out your film, but that doesn’t mean you can just jerk around until you get to it. Promises of a bloodbath  will only go so far to keep people in their seats, so you need some decent filler. Okay, what else is there to say about Extreme Prejudice.
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No American 007?

March 9, 2012

So, Safe House kind of got me thinking…well, no it didn’t really get me thinking, but I got stuck waiting for the SkyTrain with a dead iPhone, and before I could completely retreat to my happy place, a…kind of a thought took hold, and dammit I just couldn’t go complete zombie. I thought about James Bond—no surprise there, since thinking about 007 easily takes up, like, 30-40% of my thought processes (not just the conscious ones, either)— and I got wonder about the existence of the James Bond franchise in a world that embraces movies like Safe House.  Why has there never been an American James Bond? Could there ever be an American James Bond?

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Second time’s the charm: Sequels that are better than the original

February 21, 2012

More often than not, sequels are a bad idea, and usually little more than a mercenary cash-grab that trades on the familiarity of the original. That is especially true now, in the time of direct-to-DVD retailing that allows franchises to continue ad-infinitum. But it was true even in the days before DVD and even home video. Was there ever a reason for The Sting 2? Or The French Connection 2? Or even Jaws 2? I mean, beyond the promise of filthy lucre? No, not at all. And yet, every so often we get a kind of unicorn—a sequel that eclipses the original. They’re not so rare as all of that, yet still they are the exception to the rule. Still, with Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance being a much more fun film than its predecessor, it seems like a good time to look at some of these outliers. The one that always springs to mind first for me is…

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An open letter to MGM/UA (or whomever)

February 7, 2012

I take it from the above-displayed photo that you didn’t read my Open Letter to Mark Forster (or Whomever), nor did you elect to hire me on the latest 007 film, Skyfall as a “special consultant on firearms and other awesome stuff,” as I advertised my services in my numerous daily e-mails to your corporate offices. Honestly, I feel your reply was somewhat uncalled for. Really, how does a franchise obtain a restraining order? I don’t think that’s possible. And Gunmonkey is a perfectly appropriate name—particularly when the owners of said franchise are named after a vegetable so reviled that a former US President went on record saying he refused to eat it.
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Gunmonkey Presents SCARY MOVIE MONTH!!! (‘cuz it’s October)

October 1, 2011

Hello, Crime-Stoppers (ha! Just a nickname…you don’t have to actually stop crimes to read this), it is October here in Thailand…and, um, I guess the rest of the world—the dateline isn’t that big). Anyway, this year, all of my October posts will be exclusively devoted to horror films. So, settle in and buckle up and prepare for some chills and spills, and, uh, fills? No, that doesn’t make sense. Just get ready for a month of rundowns of ghosts and beasties, and psychos. Boo! Ha! Did that scare you? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But I’ll try to keep you entertained. It’s what I do. Well, that and some other stuff. But for our purposes, we’ll be watching horror films.

First: Apollo 18

Next: Hisss

And then: Syngenor

Followed by: A Haunting in Connecticut

Before: Raging Sharks 

After which will be: Vampires: Out for Blood

Which leads to: Paranormal Activity 3

Additionally: Blood Beach

Then we got: The Boogens

Concluding with: Outpost