Archive for the ‘October Spoooktacular 2013’ Category

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The terror of Jerry the vampire: “Fright Night”

October 17, 2013

You know Hollywood is deep in the Dead Horse Seas of creative bankruptcy when they remake a movie like 1985’s Fright Night. I mean, it’s not like the movie was any kind of a high water mark of ‘80s cinema. But it has a vampire in it, which you know tripped some producer’s cultural IFF, and, apparently while they were at it, someone said, “Hey why don’t we shoot this thing in 3D so we can squeeze a couple extra bucks out of the Twilight fans and goth kids who see this movie.” And yet, despite the eminently cynical calculations that borne it, the remake of Fright Night manages to be just as charming and understated as the original.
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Nyet! Nyet! “The Darkest Hour”

October 17, 2013

Oh swell, The Darkest Hour. The only reason I can think of that this movie exist is that Hollywood hates us all, and decided it would just be too difficult and time-consuming to punch us all in the face. That or some producer needs a way to launder some cash he’s been embezzling, and African conflict diamonds didn’t seem evil enough. Either way, certainly no one could have made this movie because they thought it’s good…I mean, here is a movie that asks us to plunk down what little of our hard-earned money the 1% didn’t steal out of our wallets in the middle of the night (that’s what they do, right?) to watch a couple douchetards being chased through Moscow by—(aw Jesus…)—wavy distortions. Seriously, that’s what happens in this movie. I’ve had more creative bowel movements after a bowl of tom yum goong than anything happens at any time ever in this flick.
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Nazis are jerks (even when they’re dead): “Outpost 2: Black Sun”

October 16, 2013

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When we last saw the Nazis they were dicking around on the moon and making ham-handed political commentary five years too late (apparently invading Poland is easier than making a trenchant political joke). When we last saw Nazi zombie, on the other hand, they were pretty much destroying a team of mercenaries holed up in an abandoned bunker, in the 2007 movie Outpost. Well, five years has not made those undead ghouls any more mellow. As we see from the sequel Outpost 2: Black Sun, Nazi zombies pretty much never get tired of being colossal dickbags.
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Playing with black dice: “Outpost”

October 16, 2013

Our next installment of October Spooktacular 2013 serves to remind us that the Nazis were real dickbags. No, they were. I mean, putting along with the whole genocidal rampage thing, check out the misdeeds chronicled in this blog alone: They torment a centuries-old monster (good idea, that—hey, how’s Operation Barbarossa going for you?), try and steal the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail, and even when you kill them, they just come back as zombies. What a bunch of knobheads. Well, in Outpost, they rear their ugly death’s-head again to reach across time and spread terror and death. And this time, there’s not an Indiana Jones in sight. No, in this little-seen horror flick, there is just time and ammunition holding off the monsters—and both of those things are finite.
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Tune it out: “Static”

October 15, 2013

Static-3D-Movie-Poster

Static is one of those movies where you can tell what the filmmakers like by what they’ve ripped off and reconstituted into their movie. I don’t mean this in a Quentin Tarantino way, in which his love for ‘70s genre and exploitation cinema makes its way into (or directly inspires) his films. No, no, no, no…dear reader, that type of inspiration is far above and beyond that of Static. Like the space-Frank-Lloyd-Wright-house-in-Oblivion high above the creative drive that resulted in this movie. No, Static is more like a couple guys in their parents’ basement, getting wasted on cough medicine and then frantically pointing at the TV and exclaiming, “Dude, we totally gotta put that in our movie!” I’m not saying that’s how this movie was thought up. I’m just saying that particular creative process would not have resulted in a worse movie than Static.
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Tripping Balls: “Shrooms”

October 14, 2013

Ah, ‘Shrooms, the movie that teaches us two important things: 1) the Irish are as capable of making an inane horror movie as us Americans, and 2) psychedelic mushrooms can be fatal if you’re dumb enough. How dumb do you have to be? We’re going to explore that in this review, and just to make things more interactive, I’m going to be quizzing you to see if you are dumb enough to be a character from ‘Shrooms.

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Gunmonkey Presents: OCTOBER SPOOKTACULAR 2013!

October 14, 2013

scary sock 2013

Holy crap! I totally didn’t realize it was October! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I moved back to a tropical country, and all the usual signifiers of October–falling leaves, Pumpkin Spice Lattes, really terrible new TV shows–are all on the other side of the world. Then this weekend, I got to thinking, “Hey, this English-speaking Asian TV station sure is running a lot of Hellraiser movies. I wonder why that is?” And then I went back to Googling pictures of Lexa Doig (I don’t have a rich inner-life). Anyway, a few hours later, like a lightning bolt to whatever part of the brain processes really, really basic facts, it hit me. “Duh! It’s October! Halloween!”

And then I realized that, shit, I was two weeks behind on my Spooktacular.

I’m gonna do my best to post a horror review every day for the rest of this month, and, if at all possible, make up for lost time. That’s probably going to entail re-posting some stuff, but, hey, you probably haven’t read it yet.

So, yeah, settle in, get comfortable, and get ready for another month(ish) of vampires, zombies, ghosts, monsters, and, you know, all the rest of that stuff.

First up:

We trip balls with Shrooms!

Next we revel in the white noise with Static.

And then it’s Christmas in October with Black X-Mas.

Before we goosestep along with Outpost.

Along with Outpost: Black Sun.

We head off to Mother Russia in The Darkest Hour.

Then we catch up with my original review of Fright Night.

Before reviewing the sequel Fright Night 2: The New Blood.

And then the little-seen Earth vs. the Spider

Afterward we’ll catch The Midnight Meat Train

Check out Haunter.

Before the remake of Embrace of the Vampire

And then Kevin Costner is pretty much the most useless dad ever in The New Daughter.

We call it a wrap with The Creature from the Black Lagoon.