Archive for the ‘October Spoooktacular 2013’ Category

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It came from…well, really bad science: “Creature from the Black Lagoon”

November 1, 2013

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October Spooktacular 2013 comes to a close with a monster I like so much it adorns this very site: The Creature from the Black Lagoon (that’s him up there on the left). The creature is one of Universal Studios more famous monsters—rightly so, too—and his premiere outing is a highly enjoyable, technically proficient piece of storytelling. Like The Thing, and Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Creature from the Black Lagoon harkens back to a time when even a light sci-fi/horror diversion wasn’t regarded as disposable, nor were they cheap, stupid or lazy.
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Robin Hood vs. the Mound Walkers (guess who wins?): “The New Daughter”

October 30, 2013

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[NOTE: This is a repost. For a spirited defense of the film, please read the comments below my original post here.]

Well, I guess it’s that time again. The stars lined up, or the Druids did a ritual, or perhaps it was foretold in ancient texts. Whatever the case, Kevin Costner has returned to once again to remind us that he’s not dead. Of course, anyone who suffered through Mr. Brooks knows that it has been a long, self-inflicted fall from his glory days of The Untouchables and Bull Durham. Hell, by the time his latest crapfest, The New Daughter, ends in a blaze of shameless stealing from better movies, Costner was probably even longing for his more hubristic days of drinking his own pee in Waterworld.
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Emo vamps, IKEA, and Sapphic fencing: “Embrace of the Vampire”

October 28, 2013

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I’m going to apologize in advance for this post, since it’s a bit, er…adult in nature and not the family-friendly G-rated (maybe PG…like 1980s PG) norm of this blog. So think of this post as Gunmonkey After Dark. And imagine me lounging in a silk smoking jacket cradling a snifter of brandy (if it helps, I look like a cross between Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig, so now you don’t have to wonder). See, this post concerns the remake of 1995’s Embrace of the Vampire—a movie that answered the question that burned in the minds of most guys (and some women, I imagine) who came of age in the ‘80s: What does Alyssa Milano look like naked? And that answer was, pretty damn amazing! Okay if you’re looking for a modicum of taste, you might as well check out right here. Anybody still here? Great, now let’s talk about the remake…

 

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Stuck in purgatory (actually 1985): “Haunter”

October 22, 2013

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I just watched Haunter, and came away thinking , hey—another movie that doesn’t totally suck. Is it my birthday? No, it can’t be that. Is karma repaying me for something good that I did? I can’t think of what that would be (I suggested to a co-worker that she should use her weekend to get a pedicure, but that doesn’t seem karma-worthy…she really was sporting a Wolverine-esque set of talons down there). Well, whatever, I’m not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. I mean, sooner or later I’m gonna end up watching Midnight Meat Train 2: Meatier and Trainier, so I might as well just enjoy this while it lasts.
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Really? It’s come to this? “The Midnight Meat Train”

October 21, 2013

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Is this happening? Am I really reviewing a movie called Midnight Meat Train? Really? How can this possibly end any other way than the expected one? Dear reader, do you honestly expect me to say “Midnight Meat Train is a triumph of American filmmaking that will make you forget The Godfather?”  Why am I even forced to watch, let alone review, a movie called Midnight Meat Train? What horrible choices did I make in life to bring me to this place? I’m serious. You don’t really see the darkness of the road you’ve chosen until you see the words Midnight Meat Train appear on an iPPad screen and you realize, “Holy shit, there’s a movie attached to this!”

And so there is. Lucky us. Oh, happy day. All right, let’s get this over with.
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Caught in its web: “Earth vs. the Spider”

October 20, 2013

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Well, this is a surprise. No, don’t get all excited—Earth vs. the Spider is not a good movie. It’s actually a pretty ridiculous one in most ways. Still, it’s always refreshing when you stumble across what should be a grade-Z schlockfest, which has, inexplicably, a good deal more on its mind than the titular monster. Such is the case with this film, which takes the title-says-it-all premise of a giant mutated spider attack and turns it into a ruminative neo-noir about modern urban alienation and the pathos of comic book culture. I kid you not.
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The terror of Gerri the…oh, we did that already: “Fright Night 2: The New Blood”

October 18, 2013

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Going into Fright Night 2: The New Blood, I wasn’t exactly optimistic. After all, it’s a non-theatrical release sequel which has none of the same actors as the major theatrical release original. Nothing good can come from this situation. Except that this movie stars Jaime Murray, and she’s not only hot, but also tends to get naked a lot. Like in everything she does. So, I figured what the hell, and watched it anyway. Look, I don’t always make very good decisions, and this one was no exception.
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