Archive for the ‘October Spooktacular’ Category

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Bigfoots will burn down your park: “Savage”

October 20, 2012

Wow. Five-plus years of blogging about terrible movies, and somehow I’ve never covered one about Bigfoot. How about that? I wonder why. Probably because there really aren’t that many Bigfoot movies. I mean, there are some, but hardly enough to call it a genre, don’t ya think? I guess, when you get right down to it, Bigfoot is kind of a stupid monster. I mean, basically, he’s an ape. Now, ape’s and monkeys can be scary, but you really can’t claim they’re monsters per se (unless you’re making a sequel to Blood Monkey…and that’s a real bad idea). Yes, the proven existence of Bigfoot would probably shake up the biologists a little, but all it would mean to the regular schmope like you or me is that now we have apes to worry about not hitting with our cars when we drive through National Parks. And speaking of National Parks, that’s a good place to start with the movie Savage…
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Skyping with Toby: “Paranormal Activity 4”

October 19, 2012

Okay, since I saw this opening weekend, I’m not gonna spoil Paranormal Activity 4. This review, however, will spoil the previous three, but if you’re checking out the review of the fourth installment before even watching the previous one…well, that’s on you.

Hey, Toby’s back! Hey Toby! Remember Toby? He’s the demon-thingee from the Paranormal Activity franchise that was finally named in part three (which was actually the earliest of the series…but let’s not get into the convoluted timeline here). Yeah, you know it’s kind of hard to take an invisible, malevolent entity seriously, when it has the name usually reserved for a schnauzer. Throughout this movie it’s impossible to watch some act of otherworldly weirdness and not think, “Ah, Toby’s at it again!” Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, Paranormal Activity is back, and it gives me no pleasure to say that with this one, the solidly-performing series hits a bum note.
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October Spooktacular repost: “Paranormal Activity 3”

October 19, 2012

Okay, I’m gonna try real hard NOT to spoil Paranormal Activity 3. I’ll have to give away some basic plot points, but none of the critical ones.

Wow! Paranormal Activity 3. Has it been three films already? Don’t answer that, it’s rhetorical. So, yeah, we’re on the third installment in a franchise that really hasn’t been half-bad. If you read my reviews of the first two films, then you know that I appreciate these films for what they are: essentially shock-delivery-systems. This one is no different in its intent, though it tweaks the formula a tad by setting the action in the distant world of 1988 and showing how Katie and Kristi’s relationship with the demon began. So, basically it’s a prequel to a prequel. Taken to its logical extreme, sooner or later we’re going to get an installment where velociraptors are menaced by an unseen entity that pulls their tails and steals their eggs. Man, I hope they make that movie.
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October Spooktacular repost: “Paranormal Activity 2” (and some other movie reviews)

October 19, 2012

Sorry. What I meant to say, was “Movies worth seeing on DVD or iTunes, if you want…but if you don’t, well, that’s cool, too.” It was harder to fit than in the subject line. Actually, these are some more capsule reviews, but I was at a loss for how to say “Yet even more capsule reviews…” Oh wait, I just did…well, the headline’s already written, so screw it, I guess.
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October Spooktacular repost: “Paranormal Activity”

October 19, 2012

200px-Paranormal_Activity_posterWelcome back. Today we’re going to be looking at the film Paranormal Activity, which is one of those DIY movies that some people slapped together for a couple bucks and then gets released and makes quadzillions of bucks. The movie has actually been around scaring people for a couple weeks (and two years in small screenings before it got a decent distribution), but I’m only getting around to it now. Ideally I would have reviewed this in time for Halloween, but I didn’t. Sue me. Anyway, I’m also going to SPOIL Paranormal Activity, but the version I’ve seen is an earlier version with a different ending. Anyway, let’s have at it…

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Ghosts cure cancer! “The Haunting in Connecticut”

October 17, 2012

haunting_in_connecticut1Why does this movie exist? Seriously, I’m asking you. Why does this movie have to be here on Earth? Anyone have any ideas? Anybody? Because The Haunting in Connecticut is not only interminable at 102 minutes (I began checking my watch anxiously at the 62-minute mark), but it also rips off a half-dozen other sources, flushes away the talents of some solid actors, wraps up with an end card that’s so idiotic it borders on the offensive, and still manages to be as bland as cold microwavable burrito. I mean, how does that happen? How do you do that?
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The Baywatch lunk vs. the outer-space tentacle-beastie: “The Thing Below”

October 16, 2012

The movie The Thing Below (aka Sea Ghost) gives us at long last the answer to the question that has plagued us as a society for far too long: “What is Billy Warlock up to?” Ha! Just kidding. This movie was made in 2004, so it would be more accurate to ask “What was Billy Warlock up to eight years ago?” Well, of course I’m curious about that, right? Ha! I fooled you again! Nope, I was intrigued by this movie because it was directed by Jim Wynorski, and when you watch one of his movies you’re almost guaranteed to see some gratuitous nudity, so stream away, Netflix!
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