Archive for the ‘Movies M-P’ Category

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Prehistoric killer-fish want to mate with Australia: “Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark”

April 11, 2014

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So we come to it at last: the final chapter in the Mega Shark trilogy. It’s been a long, emotionally-wrought journey, as we followed this cartilage-framed anti-hero from the ice of the Arctic ocean to the wild, vibrant nightlife of Panama (the shark didn’t do any partying—he mostly just ate people). He confronted such nemesis’s (nemesi?) as Giant Octopuses, the US Navy, Crocasauruses, the US Navy again, and Deborah Gibson. But like all great series’—Breaking Bad, The Shield, Mystery Science Theater 3000—this one too must come to an end. And you gotta give The Asylum this much: with Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark they did indeed save the best for last.

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Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened until Liam Neeson punches you in the face: “Non-Stop”

March 4, 2014

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Well, it’s a new year, and you know that means: time for a new movie about Liam Neeson killing people. I don’t know exactly when this became a tradition—I guess sometime around 2009, when we, as a country took in the ludicrosity of the AARP-eligible Neeson running around Paris murdering human traffickers and said, “Yes! This—this is what has been missing from my life!” Anyway, Neeson’s latest entry into this sub-genre of filmmaking is Non-Stop, which differs from his usual outings in two very important ways: 1) none of the people he kills are foreigners, and 2) he does it in a plane.
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Milo versus the volcano (guess who wins): “Pompeii”

February 24, 2014

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With some movies you can practically hear the studio pitch whispering in the background, just barely masked by the dialogue. In the case of Pompeii, the new disaster extravaganza by Resident Evil auteur (yes, I’m using that work loosely) Paul W.S. Anderson, I’m pretty sure the pitch went something like this:

“I have a great idea for a February release—it’s about “Pompeii—the city that was buried by a volcano.”

“Mount St. Helens?”

“No, that was the Pacific Northwest. This is ancient Rome.”

“Oh…erm…you mean we have to watch people in togas and stuff? That’s kinda tough to cross-market, you know. Nobody wears togas anymore. At least I don’t think they do. Maybe in Ibiza. Last time I was there, I was so railed on coke I didn’t even notice I still had one of the midgets in my suitcase until I changed planes in Amsterdam.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna happen. But hey, dig it—it’s Gladiator meets Titanic.

“Holy balls, that is brilliant! We can maybe steal some material from that Spartacus series.”

“Like Jamie Murray having threesomes with Xena: Warrior Princess?”

“Ah…nope, better keep this one PG-13. Exploding volcanoes don’t come cheap.”

And that’s how Pompeii happened.
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Meet Toby’s friend Jesse: “Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones”

January 12, 2014

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Ugh.

Sorry,  I wanted to build  to that, but with Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, it’s just too hard to hide my disdain. I think we can all agree that the Paranormal Activity series pretty much passed up its “use by” date, well, after the first one. With 2012’s fourth installment, the series finally ran out of ways to milk horror from shoddy camerawork, and now they’ve followed up with what can be charitably described as, Paranormal Activity: The Univision Version. Because this movie can barely be bothered to disguise the fact it’s little more than a reheated version of the previous installments with a location change to draw a Latino audience. Surprisingly, it’s not as offensive as you’d expect. Unsurprisingly, it’s pretty terrible.
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Robin Hood vs. the Mound Walkers (guess who wins?): “The New Daughter”

October 30, 2013

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[NOTE: This is a repost. For a spirited defense of the film, please read the comments below my original post here.]

Well, I guess it’s that time again. The stars lined up, or the Druids did a ritual, or perhaps it was foretold in ancient texts. Whatever the case, Kevin Costner has returned to once again to remind us that he’s not dead. Of course, anyone who suffered through Mr. Brooks knows that it has been a long, self-inflicted fall from his glory days of The Untouchables and Bull Durham. Hell, by the time his latest crapfest, The New Daughter, ends in a blaze of shameless stealing from better movies, Costner was probably even longing for his more hubristic days of drinking his own pee in Waterworld.
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Stuck in purgatory (actually 1985): “Haunter”

October 22, 2013

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I just watched Haunter, and came away thinking , hey—another movie that doesn’t totally suck. Is it my birthday? No, it can’t be that. Is karma repaying me for something good that I did? I can’t think of what that would be (I suggested to a co-worker that she should use her weekend to get a pedicure, but that doesn’t seem karma-worthy…she really was sporting a Wolverine-esque set of talons down there). Well, whatever, I’m not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. I mean, sooner or later I’m gonna end up watching Midnight Meat Train 2: Meatier and Trainier, so I might as well just enjoy this while it lasts.
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Really? It’s come to this? “The Midnight Meat Train”

October 21, 2013

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Is this happening? Am I really reviewing a movie called Midnight Meat Train? Really? How can this possibly end any other way than the expected one? Dear reader, do you honestly expect me to say “Midnight Meat Train is a triumph of American filmmaking that will make you forget The Godfather?”  Why am I even forced to watch, let alone review, a movie called Midnight Meat Train? What horrible choices did I make in life to bring me to this place? I’m serious. You don’t really see the darkness of the road you’ve chosen until you see the words Midnight Meat Train appear on an iPPad screen and you realize, “Holy shit, there’s a movie attached to this!”

And so there is. Lucky us. Oh, happy day. All right, let’s get this over with.
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