Archive for the ‘Movies 0-9’ Category

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The alien invasion is really lame: “The 5th Wave”

January 22, 2016

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At some point in the past ten years, Young Adult novels stopped being about young female protagonists falling in love with various supernatural creatures (who then compete for her affections) and started being about young female protagonists killing people (while a couple dudes she doesn’t kill compete for her affections). This is, I guess, a form of progress–it’s better to have an active protagonist after all—and I suppose as long as we’re telling adolescent girls that all the world’s a sausage-party, it’s the responsible thing to also tell them that they’ll have to kill a few people to get past the velvet rope. The new YA adaptation The 5th Wave has its protagonist shoot a dude in the face in its first scene, so you can’t say it doesn’t get down to business.
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Still better than a Malaysian Airlines flight: “7500”

October 5, 2014

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Think about air travel a moment. You’re herded like mentally-retarded cattle, practically get anal-probed by paroled felons in the name of “security,” all for the honor of waiting three hours for your hopelessly-delayed flight. When you do actually board the plane, you’ve got approximately the same personal space as a first-grader’s school desk, and as a fun feature, the seats recline so drastically that if the person in front of you wants to lean back, you end up with their head in your lap (and not in the good way—never in the good way). And this is how you spend several interminable hours—eating meals that seem to have polymer as a principle ingredient, watching edited movies on a tiny screen, and trying to ignore the dumbass sitting next to you who decided that a T-shirt with a borderline offensive saying and flip-flops are appropriate plane attire. And that’s provided that the hyper-sophisticated, eggshell-fragile machine you’re sitting in doesn’t plummet from the sky like a flaming cigar tube or simply disappear from all existence. And yet someone decided that this experience had to be made more harrowing, and so they made the haunted-jetliner film 7500. Never heard of it? That’s because it’s been sitting on a shelf for two years. Yeah, that’s a hopeful sign. Are you buckled in? Then let’s take off…uh, this review (well, shit, that didn’t work).
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City of Lights (and Glocks): “3 Days to Kill”

March 18, 2014

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This is a toughie. No, not because I’m conflicted about my feelings toward 3 Days to Kill—I pretty much hated it, and at one point was so bored I tried to file my income taxes on my iPhone during the middle third of the movie (word to wise: don’t ever try this…you fat-finger one key and the next thing you know the IRS wants actual proof of the elephant preserve you’re claiming as  a write-off). No, 3 Days to Kill is a toughie, because I can’t figure out what the hell anyone was doing with this movie? Like, what kind of movie were they making? What kind did they think they were making? Why did they make this? And why, when they saw the final result did they not just destroy it with fire and say that the final cut was destroyed by rampaging elephants who escaped from a preserve? That last one would actually be very helpful for me, if anyone wants to, you know, sign an affidavit to that effect. Anyway, let’s talk about this movie.
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Criminally Overlooked: “47 Ronin”

December 29, 2013

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Wait, what is this? An entry in the “Criminally Overlooked” category that’s not only still in theaters, but has only been released this week? What madness is this, you’d be forgiven for asking. Now, I want you to be calm and stay with me here. Doubtless, you’re probably feeling some anxiety and confusion, but before you go breaking open the emergency stockpile of assault rifles you started hoarding when it was clear Obama was going to win the election, be assured I have a good reason for this. By all accounts, 47 Ronin has not only lost the holiday weekend, but has left the field, gone home and is now drinking cheap beer and weeping. How bad is it? Well, a 175 million dollar movie has barely grossed 10 mil at the time of this writing. And that’s really too bad, since 47 Ronin is actually a nice little ($175,000,000) adventure movie. Hey, and Keanu Reeves isn’t even in it that much. Yay!
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Wait, why did I watch this again? “8 Million Ways to Die”

April 16, 2013

 posterI’m not sure why I watched this movie, but hey, why does anyone do anything, right? Yeah, humanity is just one big unknowable riddle, but then, that’s also what makes us so amazing. We are unlike anything else in creation in our capacity for self-determination, and its forays into unpredictability. That having been said, there’s really no good reason to watch 8 Million Ways to Die. Maybe I was bored. I know wasn’t drunk. Whatever, I watched it. Wanna hear about it? Oh yes you do…
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From the Archive: “88 Minutes”

March 16, 2012

[This week, the jokesters at How Did This get Made? took on the Al Pacino classic 88 Minutes. I got there first…]

200px-eighty_eight_minutes_ver3Sometimes you come across a movie so stupid, pretentious, incompetent, hackneyed, and best of all totally oblivious to how stupid, pretentious, incompetent and hackneyed it is, that the weight—the cosmic mass—of its sheer badness simply causes it to implode and compress until it becomes a bright and shining jewel of cinematic failure. Oh sure, there are bad movies that are a struggle to watch all the way through. There are bad movies that unfold like a 110-minute train wreck. There are even bad movies that you watch with sheer incredulity. But then there are the rare and precious bad movies which are so sublime in their badness that they elevate it to a type of art. Movies that you simply surrender yourself to and exclaim, “Yes! Yes, I will follow you wherever your addle-minded creators choose to take us, oh celluloid apocalypse, for the sheer joy of witnessing your unprecedented suckitude!” Reader, Jon Avnet’s 88 Minutes is just such a movie!

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Double your pleasure, double your fun: “Two-Headed Shark Attack”

February 14, 2012

The Asylum really set the bar high with Two-Headed Shark Attack. Well, maybe not high, per se, but they certainly raised some expectations. I mean, what’s better than one giant, pissed-off man-eating shark? Two giant, pissed-off man-eating sharks, right? Yeah, well, but slightly less awesome, yet still very cool is a two-headed shark! Scratch that, a two-headed shark is actually cooler, because there are so many dramatic possibilities. I mean, just think of all the things that could possibly be done with a giant, pissed-off, two-headed shark…
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