Archive for the ‘Capsule Reviews’ Category

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2012 Capsule Reviews!

May 30, 2012

Okay, so it’s been a little while since I checked in. Sorry about that. I’ve been on a vacation between assignments, and, well, lazy. I’ve found it’s actually much easier to just sleep in, eat frozen custard, and hang out with awesome chicks than it is to review lousy movies. Weird, since you’d think that would be sort of intuitive, but then no one accused me of being the sharpest knife in the dishwasher. Anyway, it’s as good a time as any for a recap of the stuff I watched on the flight home (and then some). So what do we have up first?
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And yet more Capsule Reviews!

July 19, 2011

Okay, well we’ve got yet another crop of movies that aren’t substantial enough to warrant their own review. Hell, some of them barely even warrant mentioning. But here they are. I gotta be honest, here: the summer movies are sucking all the oxygen out of the theaters. Stuff like Transformers 3 and Harry Potter: Part Google are chasing everything else away, forcing me to trawl the lower levels of the Mangpong video stores like some kind of cinephiliac sucker-fish. Wow. That’s a weird image. Let’s retreat from that and instead look at what we have on tap: We have Boo, The Dilemma, Ray Bradbury’s Chrysalis, Limitless, Wake Wood, and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. Let’s get started, shall we?

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Movies you should rent…or don’t. I don’t care.

December 6, 2010

Sorry. That was uncalled for, wasn’t it? I haven’t had dinner yet, and it’s made me a little cranky. What I meant to say, was “Movies worth seeing on DVD or iTunes, if you want…but if you don’t, well, that’s cool, too.” It was harder to fit than in the subject line. Actually, these are some more capsule reviews, but I was at a loss for how to say “Yet even more capsule reviews…” Oh wait, I just did…well, the headline’s already written, so screw it, I guess.
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Even More Capsule Reviews!

June 14, 2010

Well, it’s Capsule Review time again. Sorry to half-ass it like this, but what can I say? I’m lazy. Also, I’ve somehow ended up watching a whole host of movies that just haven’t been that substantial.  You know, not every movie can be an Aztec Rex or a Heatstroke. Sure I could try to wring 1000 words out of Life Blood, but since that’s about 250 more words than actually went into the screenplay, who really are we helping here? Anyway, let’s dive right in shall we? I’ll be covering the aforementioned Life Blood, Envy, Splinter, Killers, Sex and the City 2, and The Guitar.  So here we go…
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More Capsule Reviews!

August 25, 2009

timecrimes_1Okay, a couple movies fell through the cracks while covering G.I. Joe and doing Michael Mann week. Fear not, gentle reader, for I wish to rectify that situation right now. So, there were three notable films I missed. Two horror movies and one sci-fi drama. Two of them suck, one isn’t so bad. They are Clive Barker’s Book of Blood, Solstice, and Timecrimes. Heard of any of them? No? Well, don’t get to worked up about it.
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Gunmonkey Presents: Capsule Reviews (and Reader Contest)

May 24, 2009

MONKEYYou might think that the toughest thing about writing these reviews is coming up with new ways of saying “it sucked.” Not so. I just think of the cinematic injustice done to me and let the venom flow. Next think you know I’m typing something like, “If Hitler barfed, it’d be this movie.” See how easy that is? (I was thinking of The Horsemen just then). No, oftentimes the toughest thing is coming up with 700-1000 words to say about a film. Many of the movies that don’t get reviewed here get skipped because there’s simply not that much to say about them. Some merit a half-review—hence the twofers—but many are just too unremarkable, even in their badness, to warrant writing up a review. So, to that end, we have the first Gunmonkey Capsule Reviews for the ADD-Afflicted!!! Yeah, I’m already working on a new name for them—preferably something with a cool acronym. Anyway, without further ado…
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