Humanity’s greatest artistic achievement? Maybe. “Mega Shark Versus Kolossus”July 23, 2015
Well, it seems rumors of the Mega Shark’s demise were greatly exaggerated, as the good folks at The Asylum Pictures have dusted him off for yet another outing. Either these god-awful movies are more lucrative than I imagined or they really want to get their 150 bucks worth out of the CGI shark rendering they bought (probably online). Whatever the case, now I feel pretty silly getting all sentimental at the end of Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. I swear I wouldn’t have gone on a three-day bender and sent all those weepy texts to Deborah Gibson if I knew that a scant year later the big guy would be back to battle its greatest foe yet: a massive Russian humanoid robot-bomb. Yes, just let that sink in a bit.
Okay, so possibly the most charming thing about this movie (bearing in mind that when dealing with Asylum films, “charming” and “are-you-fucking-kidding-me” can be used more or less interchangeably), is the fact that the movie’s creative force (*cough*) place all these movies in the same universe. That’s right, there is a Mega Shark canon. I guess this means humanity has reached its pinnacle achievement and can now officially slough off its physical bodies and become beings of pure energy and move to another dimension.
Within the Mega Shark canon (ow…brain hurts), the massive sharks have seriously screwed up travel and commerce and wrecked economic havoc on the world, so the world’s navies all work to prevent Mega Shark attacks. This is pretty funny since, as we’ve seen in every MS movie, sending a warship at a Mega Shark is roughly the same as tossing a rawhide bone to a dog. No matter how many times you do it, the rawhide sure as shit ain’t gonna come out on top.
On this particular occasion, some Russians off the coast of Rio (uh…what?) accidentally stirs up a Mega Shark which promptly destroys their trawler because, that’s how it do. A couple mini attack subs called Team Unicorn and piloted by the titular sexy cosplayers (of their own online series) tries to take it down, but the Mega Shark proves immune to their puny torpedoes and not-so-puny push-up bras, blithely tossing one of the subs into that big Jesus statue that gets destroyed any time any movie takes place in Rio.
Meanwhile, in Chernobyl (which has somehow transformed from a forest to a desert), a cute CIA agent named Moira King (Amy Rider—possibly drunk) tries to take down a team of mercenaries who are stealing a popwer source called Red Mercury from an abandoned lab. In the process, they awake a massive robot called Kolossus, which growls angrly and stomps off. This is bad, since it’s freakin’ huge—like skyscraper huge—and since, King learns, it’s a massive nuclear bomb that can self-detonate multiple times. Yeah, I’m not sure how that works either. It kind of farts mushroom clouds.
So, the UN sends a fleet to intercept the Mega Shark commanded by Admiral Titus Jackson (Ernest Thomas of What’s Happening, er, fame—clearly drunk). Jackson is a regular Ahab, willing to wipe out the Mega Shark no matter what world-killing device it takes. Seriously, this is a dude who gets rid of a rodent infestation by setting the building on fire. And then carpeting bombing the block. And then nuking it from orbit. And then shooting the sun with the Genesis Device for good measure. Along with him is some douchebag scientist who’s almost always wrong about stuff and pretty inconsequential to the plot, so let’s not worry about him.
Racing them on the high seas is Doctor Douchebag’s nemesis and good-gal scientist, Dr. Allison Gray (Illeana Douglas—very drunk, and who can blame her) and quadzillionre tech genius Joshua Dane (Brody Hutzler–sober, surprisingly enough). Dane’s got all sorts of whiz-bang technology, which comes in handy when the Navy’s plans predictably lead to more casualties than The Battle of Stalingrad. Seems their plan to blow the Mega Shark up by feeding it a dead humpback whale goes all Pete Tong when the Mega Shark tosses the whale at the flagship, where it detonates.
Yes, this is a movie in which a shark throws a whale at a Navy destroyer. Seriously, why even bother making movies after this? The mountaintop of the art form has been surmounted and fixed with a flag that says MEGA SHARK!!!!
Back to Agent King. She and some lackey track down the scientist who built Kolossus, who gives them some useful info about how to shut down Kolossus just before he’s killed by some convenient mercenaries. King blows them all away by rapid-firing a flintlock rifle (possibly the most realistic element in the film) before Kolossus shows up. King and co. beat feat in an Osprey and barely survive being fart-nuked.
King then has the brainstorm to lure Kolossus into the water to fight Mega Shark. She does this by hanging a giant American flag out of the Osprey and leading it to the Mega Shark. While the two monsters fight, the nominal heroes of this movie all team up to stop Kolossus. This entails breaking into a long-abandoned underwater Soviet weapons lab. Man, we had a shit-ton of money during the Cold War. What happened? Nowadays we’re waging war with RC airplanes.
Well, they get the tech to control Kolossus, but psyche! Dane takes control of Kolossus and uses it to blackmail the world into being more eco-friendly, threatening to fart-nuke the major contributors to global warming (you’re boned, China). Jackson, as you can imagine, doesn’t take kindly to this and tries to blow it up with an attack satellite called The Gipper (guess who green-lit that weapons system). Only to have Kolossus throw the Mega Shark into orbit destroying The Gipper before landing back in the ocean safely!
Seriously, a giant robot-bomb blew up satellite by hitting it with a giant prehistoric shark. This film will be studied by future humans along with the works of Homer.
(Also: That’s a seriously handy shark. It’s like multi-tool with teeth.)
So, Jackson does what anyone would do in these circumstances: he kills everyone aboard his ship, launches a massive nuclear strike, and then commits suicide. Um…how does one get to be an Admiral, anyway? Does collecting proof-of-purchase labels from whiskey bottles have something to do with it? Because on the evidence, I think it may.
Unfortunately, for Dane, Agent King is a mean drunk and kicks the asses of his men and then him. They take control of the Kolossus, which they use to grab the Mega Shark in a Russian bear hug (ha! See what I did there?), just before they set it to self-destruct, destroying Kolossus and killing the Mega Shark. And just as the Cold War ended in stalemate, so does the battle between Mega Shark and Kolossus. Oh wait, that’s nothing like how the Cold War ended. Oh well, most people who watch this movie probably won’t know that.
But some other little gems in this movie:
* Kolossus reminds me of that huge, S&M humanoid made of Eastern European villagers from that wiggy Clive Barker short story.
* The idea of a towering humanoid robot-bomb is at once totally insane and completely plausible as a Soviet-era weapon. I mean, Stalin once seriously considered breeding an army of monkey-people. Tell me that’s more plausible than this.
* Poor Illeana Douglas. You’d be drunk throughout shooting this film too if you had to deliver dialogue like, “That man’s ignorance of sharks could mean the end of mankind!” Which, ironically, was written in my last work evaluation.
* So…prehistoric sharks were basically indestructible murderers. Holy shit! Megalodons were Terminators!
*No Deborah Gibson this time around. Oh well…you can’t have everything, I guess.
So, welcome back Mega Shark! We really missed you! I mean, seriously, this movie is genius. We’re talking Oscar.