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Pure testosterone and adrenaline: “Fast and Furious 6”

May 27, 2013

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Hey, Fast and Furious 6  is here! Yay! I’m totally stoked because, well, I’ve been using my brain a lot lately and you know what? It kinda sucks. It’s tough and not very much fun and it never results in a car chase, shootout or hot chicks twerking. It’s like, I don’t know why we have the things in the first place. That’s what makes this movie so welcome: it requires no brain power at all beyond the ability to recognize, “Holy shit, that was pure awesomesauce!” You can do it in your sleep.  Seriously, this movie was made to just let your brain not go to sleep and let your id do all the work.

What’s this movie about? What, did you miss it? Car chases, shootouts, and hot chicks twerking. I just told you that. Okay, yeah, there’s some semblance of a plot. Basically the now-sprawling cast of Fast Five (or as I like to think of it, “The Story of the Awesomest DSS Agent Ever and a Some Other People) has settled into happy exile/retirement after dividing the spoils of the last movie’s heist. Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster (yes they have names, but I didn’t bother to remember them—too much brainwork) have just had their first child, and Vin Diesel is just sort of hanging out and banging Elsa Pataky. Good for them.

Alas, their idyll is short-lived as they are approached by Awesomest DSS Agent Ever Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson and a big winner this summer) and his new partner Gina Carano (top of her class at FLETC and youngest ever RSO of Kabul) approach them. Seems an international crew of villains has been stealing components of, uh, something that controls the weather or time or whatever—it’s bad juju. Hobbs needs “wolves to catch wolves.” But there’s more: one of the members of the crew is Michelle Rodriguez—Vin’s girlfriend from the earlier installments (which didn’t feature DSS agents) and was killed by drug lords in the Fast and Furious. Weird right?

The DSS--the face of America overseas.

The DSS–the face of America overseas.

So, Vin gets the gang back together to rally up in London and hunt down the evil Shaw (Luke Evans) and his team. In the process, they basically lay waste to London on a level not seen since the blitz. But Vin must also unravel The Riddle of the Reappearing Michelle Rodriguez, which entails Paul Walker going into a US prison to suss out the truth. And that truth when revealed…is pretty dumb actually.

Also, Han is falling in love with his trophy girlfriend (Gal Gadot), and he’s growing more and more concerned about the danger they keep putting themselves in the midst of. So, you can probably guess that’s not going to go smoothly.

When these are your masterminds you might be in trouble.

When these are your masterminds you might be in trouble.

But really, all this is a set up for a loosely-strung-together action set-pieces which director Justin Lin crafts with remarkable efficiency and skill. I mean, we get car vs. car, car vs. weird-ramp-car, car vs. tank, and car vs. massive-Russian-cargo-plane. We also get multiple shootouts and a fistfight between Dwayne Johnson and the only human being larger than he is (doubtless the casting director had to tour many a Mongolian penal work-camp to find that thing.) We also get a couple of chick fights, and those are always awesome.

The laws of physics mean nothing in this world.

The laws of physics mean nothing in this world.

So, what else is there to ponder:

* Okay, watching Michelle Rodriguez hold her own in a fistfight with Gina Carano requires an awful lot of suspension of disbelief, since we know that in reality Carano destroyed people as a job.

* Sad to say, but the original cast is getting a bit too old for these flicks. Vin, in particular, is looking jowly.

* The first thing my date asked when we left the movie? “How come Paul Walker didn’t get raped while he was in prison?” Actually, that’s a good question.

* The cast list of these movies is getting a bit too expansive, so it was nice to see them trim it back a bit in course of this movie.

It's like they got every b-list actor available.

It’s like they got every b-list actor available.

* Okay, so maybe Luke Hobbs is the second awesomest DSS Agent ever.

* There is a lot of plate glass in London just waiting to get smashed.

* Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez still have about as much chemistry as you’d expect.

* Shaw is described as former SAS who specialized in “vehicular warfare” in Afghanistan. Because A) yeah, that’s a thing, and B) that’s the best tactic to use in a ground insurgency in a country without improved roads.

* The credits scene sets up the next movie…which looks awesome!

Yeah, that’s Fast and Furious 6. No need to use your brain.

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