Here be spoilers: “Oblivion” in review

April 24, 2013


Okay, so this review is more of a discussion of Oblivion for everyone who has already seen the movie or doesn’t mind it being spoiled. If you’re game, then click below. If not, just reread the first review. I could use the hits to bolster my fragile ego. You ready? All right, let’s get to it…

I know, right?!? This movie totally ripped-off a fuck-ton of other movies. How do you do that? Wait, no, let me rephrase—how do you get away with that? How did Disney not sue the holy living crap out of these people? It’s Disney; they’d’ve sued Mother Theresa is she hummed a few bars of “When You Wish Upon a Star.”

Let’s start with the big one, yeah, Wall-E. Tom scuttles around the Cursed Earth and collects little doo-dads, and then brings them back to his Unabomber shack where he carefully pores over them and dreams of the world that was…and it was done better by Pixar. I mean, holy shit, how did Andrew Kosinski watch those scenes are not realize, “Holy fuck! I just ripped off Wall-E!” Maybe he did. All I know is that it takes a special kind of chutzpah to replicate scenes from a hugely-successful, massively-popular family movie and expect no one isn’t going to notice. Which brings us to…

Yeah, Kosinski liked Independence Day a lot too…because that ending in which Jack flies into the Alien Mothership Tet is pretty much straight out of that movie. It’s even filmed the same way. Of course, that movie came out in 1996, so, yeah, I doubt anybody remembers it. Hell, it’s probably due for a remake.

And then there’s Moon. Yeah, the big twist is copped directly from Moon. It was pretty much a mind-fuck in that movie. In this one it’s just a lazy plot-point. Also, in Moon, the clones served to open a Pandora’s Box of questions about self, identity, and agency. In this movie it pretty much existed to provide Jack with a spare of himself. Which, while we’re at it, brings up…

Whoa! Tom Cruise is more egomaniacal than I ever imagined.  I mean, this movie posits not only that when the aliens he met him he was so freaking awesome they basically decided to create an army of him to subjugate Earth, but he is also so freaking awesome that he can shake loose of his programming and throw off the yoke of our alien overlords and rescue humanity from extinction. So, um, yeah, Tom Cruise is basically mankind’s omega and alpha. You cannot convince me that the guy doesn’t jerk off to the scene of the thousands of nude clones of himself. Every night. But that also begs the question…

Why did the aliens have to build this elaborate lie to get Jack and Victoria to do their jobs? Why not just tell them, “Hey, we made you, so…yeah, we’re your creators. Now go maintain our little killbots, okay?” I mean, it’s not like thee clones know any better, right? They used a clone army of Jack to take over Earth, and presumably didn’t need to give them a whole cock-and-bull story. They probably just said, “Kill anything that looks like you,” and left it at that.

How does the Earth work without the moon? Now, I’m not what you would call smart, but even I know that the moon pretty much makes most stuff on Earth work right. And…

How did the Earth get so overgrown in 50 years? I mean, yeah, to some extent there’d be some growth, but what we saw was, like, centuries of nature run rampant. Not something that could happen within one Morgan Freeman lifetime.

How long does it take to drain the oceans? Seriously, how long? I kinda think they’d be gone at the rate the Tet was hovering them down.

Anyway, I think you get the gist: this movie makes no sense.

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