I paid seventeen bucks for this? “Silent Hill: Revelations 3D”

October 26, 2012

Sometimes you do something so amazingly, inexplicably boneheaded that afterwards you just have to say, “Whoa! I knew I wasn’t the sharpest knife in the dishwasher, but, holy shit, I’m much, much stupider than I ever imagined!” For me, that moment was when it hit me that I had just plunked down seventeen bucks to see Silent Hill: Revelation 3D. I came to this realization about a half hour into this movie when I thought that I’d pay to make the movie stop—only to realize I’d paid to see the damn thing. I’d like to say that I did this out of dedication to this blog, but c’mon! I could have watched something marginally better on Netflix streaming for free. Instead, I’m choosing to believe that I did it because I am deeply complex person. Yeah, that’s what I’m going with. Okay…so Silent Hill: Revelations…

This movie picks up where the last one left off, with…ah…hey, did you see, or do you remember 2006’s Silent Hill? Of course not. No one does. No sentient being—scratch that—no life form with a nervous system more evolved than your average crayfish does. So, recap: there’s a haunted town called Silent Hill, and Radha Mitchell ended up there with her daughter, where they spent the rest of the movie running from weird, largely ineffectual monsters, before a totally incomprehensible ending.

Pictured: Possibly the screenwriter.

So, in this one Radha is missing, but the daughter, Alessa, is now eighteen and living with her dad (Sean Bean, looking truly defeated) in a new town, having spent their lives on the run from, ah, the town of Silent Hill, I guess. Anyway, she meets a doofy-looking dude at school, and then her dad gets kidnapped, sending  Alessa and doofy dude to Silent Hill to rescue him. Once there…yeah, pretty much the same thing happens.

“Lord of the Rings…I was in that. And ‘GoldenEye.’ ‘Ronin…’ Yeah, just keep thinking of ‘Ronin.'”

Of course, there’s more to it than this, but holy fuck does it make no sense. I mean, this movie has more freaking’ exposition than the Old Testament. There’s, like, a demon spirit that’s Alessa’s mother and also her alter-ego, and her sister, and maybe also her accountant—sure, why not. And there’s a cult led by Trinity from The Matrix in white pancake makeup, who wants to…do…something with Alessa and their dark gods. There’s also probably a lot of other stuff that I missed in the minutes or so when I was napping.

“Blah blah blah blah Silent Hill. Blah blah blah blah demons. Blah blah blah.”

Crap, I almost forgot that Malcolm McDowell shows up as a…something…crazy dude in an asylum who needs two halves of an amulet to, ah, defeat Captain Kirk, maybe? The point is Malcolm freaking McDowell is in this. Now, I know Mal doesn’t always have the best taste in projects (he appeared opposite Lori Petty in Tank Girl after all), but, shit, this? I’d have more respect for him if he did a porno film. I mean, I’d be all like, “Goddamn, it’s sad what happened to his career. But hey, he gets to nail Kaylani Lei, so there’s an upside.” Instead, I’m just thinking the first part.

Seriously, Mal. There are options. It’s not like you have shame anymore.

Ah, but this is (ostensibly) a horror movie, so is it scary? Nope. No. Nada. Again, we have a bunch of freaky monsters lifted from the twenty or so videogames that just appear in unrelated scenes and don’t do much.  When McDowell turns into a big monster, all he does is carry Alessa a couple feet, and then she snatches the amulet back, and he turns to dust. What the fuck? Does anyone who had in making this movie understand anything about, say, movies? Maybe seen one?

“‘A Clockwork Orange.’ I was in that…Just keep thinking of ‘A Clockwork Orange.'”

Yeah, that’s how this thing plays out: Big monster appears; sound design goes apeshit; monster dies or leaves, or loses interest; then a couple characters barf about ten pages of expository dialogue at us. And it just keeps going that way.  Finally, Alessa hugs the evil twin/mother/sister to death and the big pyramid-headed monsters fights Trinity (who has transformed into a cenobite-reject), and then everyone goes home. Literally, that’s how it ends.

“The Matrix movies…’Memento.’ Yeah, ‘Memento.’ Just keep thinking of ‘Memento.'”

I don’t know if you can even call this a movie, per se. I mean, it’s on film, and was shown in a theater, but so was that ad for Coke, and that was sure as shit more fulfilling than this abomination.

So, yeah, that’s Silent Hill: Revelation. Basically, it was the most expensive bucket of popcorn I ever bought. Goddammit, why don’t they sell mescaline at concession stands?


  1. The screenwriter..LOL

  2. Yes, I should have added “…or whatever.”

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