Kill me now: “Jack and Jill”

February 27, 2012

A couple months ago, I wrote “The Case Against Adam Sandler” as a part of my review of Just Go With It. Man, if I knew this movie was chambered and ready to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting human race, I would have saved myself a thousand words and just written, “wait for Jack and Jill,” because there’s no better evidence than this movie that Sandler either holds all of us in total contempt or is a complete hack. There’s really no middle ground. No way this film can be justified or explained away. It is every bit as insipid as it looks. Moreover, it plays like a full-length version of one of those clips Sandler’s Funny People character watches with mild embarrassment. Only this is real, and Sandler no doubt thinks he made Citizen fucking Kane.

So, what’s this movie about? Look at the poster. Yep, that’s about it. There is nothing else. This is a one-joke comedy that smothers us with that joke for 100 minutes. I mean, I don’t know how to adequately review this film, as the English language isn’t dexterous enough to express my hatred for this movie and the people behind it (yes, that includes Al Pacino), furthermore I don’t want to relive this experience—I lost enough brain cells just watching the thing. Instead, here are the notes I took during the film:

“Credits still rolling and we have our first fart joke. This is going to be a long ride.”

“Every line of dialogue is about a different topic. Did William S. Burroughs write this screenplay?”

“Everyone acts like they’re performing in a different movie.”

“No one knows how to react to Sandler in drag. They all look like they’re acting opposite a CGI elephant or something.”

“Yep, there’s Al Pacino—just like in the trailer. He is dead to me now.”

“I don’t get the running incest panic in this movie. Since Sandler is playing opposite himself…he has some complex psychological issues to work through.”

“Wait, Jill goes on The Price is Right? That’s still on TV? What audience was this movie made for?”

“Okay, at this point I just have to assume that the Jill character is retarded. And possibly Sandler as well.”

“So, Jill doesn’t know what the Internet is. In 2012 that’s like not know what the ground is.”

“Norm Thompson looks like racist dad on a Lifetime movie.”

“Wait, Johnny Depp showed up for this movie? Depp and Pacino? I have to assume Sandler has a secret bukkake video of them or something…”

“Jared from Subway is in this. Okay, I’m getting a sense of who this movie was made for: complete morons in 2002.”

“Pacino is actually turning in a performance here….the hell is his problem?”

“Adam Sandler’s character is a dick. Moreso than usual. Are we supposed to like him or what?”

[Jill goes to a Mexican family’s party, where the running joke is a toothless grandmother eating massive jalapeno peppers] “Why haven’t Latino audiences protested this movie? Wait…why haven’t human beings protested this movie?”

“I wish this movie was anthropomorphized into a person so I could beat it to death.”

“Okay, product placements so far: Pepto Bismol, Dunkin Donuts, and now Royal Caribbean cruises.”

“Wait, Jill can lift hundreds of pounds? Nothing in this movie makes sense.”

[Adam Sandler dresses up like Jill to go on a date with Al Pacino] “So he’s dressing up as a woman in a movie, during which he dresses up as a woman…I think the Universe just started to implode.”

“This movie hates all of us.”

“Am I seeing this? “

“I want to die. Seriously, I just want to set myself on fire right now.”

“Holy fuck. Just…holy fuck.”

“David Spade plays a chick…and shows off prominent cleavage. Yep, I lost my mind. My brain is broke. Thanks movie.”

So that should give you get a sense of the apocalypse that is Jack and Jill. Let me end this review by saying: I hope everyone involved in this movie comes down with terminal bone cancer.

One comment

  1. ugh just another guy hating on a movie. who the fuck cares yes theres bad movies and good movies people get the idea no need to rant on the internet. you are preaching to the choir buddy. plus alot of other movies out there dont make sense you make it seem like this was the only one. if you knew this movie was going to suck then why even watch it if it was so obviously was going to suck ass.

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