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An open letter to MGM/UA (or whomever)

February 7, 2012

I take it from the above-displayed photo that you didn’t read my Open Letter to Mark Forster (or Whomever), nor did you elect to hire me on the latest 007 film, Skyfall as a “special consultant on firearms and other awesome stuff,” as I advertised my services in my numerous daily e-mails to your corporate offices. Honestly, I feel your reply was somewhat uncalled for. Really, how does a franchise obtain a restraining order? I don’t think that’s possible. And Gunmonkey is a perfectly appropriate name—particularly when the owners of said franchise are named after a vegetable so reviled that a former US President went on record saying he refused to eat it.

Look, I just wanted to say this: I’m totally cool with the Walther PPK. Yeah, I know I ranted and raved in that post after seeing Quantum of Solace, but what can I say? I was in Iraq, under a lot of stress. I was a bit touchy back then, and, frankly, somewhat excitable. I’m older now. I’ve mellowed. More importantly, I’ve learned the value of well-fitted suit. Loathe as I am to admit it, the Walther P99 probably is too big for James Bond to carry.

Now, sure, I would have been a lot happier if you’d upgraded him to the new(ish) Walther PPS. It’s as flat as the PPK and barely larger—perfect to conceal under a bespoke Savile Row. It also has better sights and, most importantly, fires the more-powerful 9mm round. Additionally, the one I own is so stupid accurate that it’s almost no fun to shoot.

But, hey, you went with the PPK, and, okay, that’s all right. It’s classic. It’s elegant. It’s Bond. Yeah, it’s profile is still a tad small on the big screen, and doesn’t really menace the way a larger pistol does. Big deal. Daniel Craig’s natural badassery easily compensates for that. And, hey, at least you didn’t give him a dumbass Glock.

Bottom line: Bond is back after a scary four years when it looked like the whole franchise might go belly-up and resign Craig to Timothy Dalton status. So, thanks for doing what it took to bring 007 back, and just give us a solid James Bond movie.

Yours,

GM

(UPDATE: In the new trailer Bond’s gun is identified as the Walther PPK/s .380, meaning they’ve finally given him the better PPK. It’s chambered for the more-powerful .380ACP (9mm short in Europe) round rather than the wimpy .32 he’s been carrying. If you’re gonna carry a PPK, this is the one you want. Also, it has a special grip coded to his palm, so only he can fire it. Nicely done, guys!)

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