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From the archives: “Skinwalkers”

January 26, 2012

There is no reason for you to see Skinwalkers.

Seriously, I cannot emphasize that enough. No reason whatsoever. If your child has a rare and fatal disease that can only be cured by seeing Skinwalkers; you still have no reason to see Skinwalkers. If you are carjacked and commanded at gunpoint to see Skinwalkers; you still have no reason to see Skinwalkers. If you are kidnapped by members of Al Queda Iraq and told that the only way to avoid being dressed in an orange jumpsuit, forced to “confess” your crimes against the Muslim world on streaming internet video, and have you head sawed off is to see Skinwalkers; you still have no reason to see Skinwalkers. If God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, Of All That is Seen and Unseen descends from Heaven in a swirl of clouds, flanked by seraphim, and promises you a life of happiness, joy, and fulfillment as long as you see Skinwalkers; you still have no reason to see Skinwalkers. If Tyra Banks calls you up for dinner and a movie and following that, an evening of athletic sex so debauched, so raunchy, so debased that you will remember it upon your deathbed as you prepare to shuck off your mortal coil and can’t even recall your loved ones or your own name–as long as that movie you see is Skinwalkers…I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.

Okay, get the point? Skinwalkers is bad. It’s not fun bad, or funny bad, or even train-wreck bad. It’s dull bad. Bland bad. Highway rest stop bad. McDonalds breakfast burrito bad. Absolutely no pleasure can be derived from watching Skinwalkers, but neither is it a risible experience. It lacks even the ambition to be terrible. There are any number of more productive things you could be doing rather than watching Skinwalkers. Some examples:

Reading the TV Guide

Completing the TV Guide crossword puzzle

Sleeping

Bathing

Petting a dog

Scratching a cat between the ears.

Bathing a dog between the ears.

Doing your laundry

Doing someone else’s laundry

Selling someone else’s laundry on the street

Tearing your apartment apart to find hidden microphones

Writing admiring letters to Joel McHale

Engaging in a lively chatroom debate on the merits of the USS Enterprise vs. the Battlestar Galactica

Threatening members of a sci-fi chatroom

Making YouTube music video homages to Scarecrow and Mrs. King

Setting your house or building on fire

Setting your neighbors’ house on fire

Googling everyone you know

Masturbating

Buying a dozen GI Joes and reenacting the Battle of Pork Chop Hill

Using the GI Joes to reenact the 2007 Armed Forces Sub-Committee Hearings

Using the GI Joes to make amateur gay porn

Seeing any movie with Keaunu Reeves

Seeing any movie with Andie McDowell

Seeing any movie by Lars von Trier

Reading any novel by Tama Janowitz

Seeing which home electronics will work in the shower

Repaint your bedroom with White-Out

Mentally listing every villain from every James Bond film in chronological order

Mentally listing every villain from every James Bond film in chronological order while drinking malt liquor

Reading a graphic novel

Paying your taxes

Updating your Buckaroo Banzai fan site

Raising sea monkeys and then feeding them to a sucker-fish

Writing haikus about William Shatner

Seeing if your car can float

Teaching yourself a foreign language by watching all your DVDs with the subtitles running

Audition for American Idol

Write a thesis on the lyrics of Corey Hart’s Sunglasses at Night

Speaking to a loved one

Thinking up additional dialogue for Slow Burn

Thinking up a better ending for Sunshine

Baking gingerbread men, so you can eat them while pretending you’re the ginormous crocodile from Primeval

Daytrading

Stockpiling ordinance for the inevitable zombie attack

Frequenting Haitian prostitutes

Making a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho

Writing your Family Ties/The Shield crossover fanfic

Seeing how many e-mails you have to send to Claire Danes before the inevitable restraining order

Dressing your pets like late-Vice Don Johnson

Prank calling Elmore Leonard

Slipping Patrick Stewart photoshopped pictures of you and he dressed as a harem girl and a sultan respectively (or vice-versa)

Filming The Grapes of Wrath using weebles

Inventing a comic commentary track for Schindler’s List

Go to Single’s Night at the local Wal-Mart

I could go on and on, but I think I’ve made my point. There is absolutely no reason to see Skinwalkers.

2 comments

  1. I’ll go with Corey Hart’s Sunglasses at Night. Never knew any song so deep and interpretative like this.


  2. So you’re saying we should skip this one then?



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