Pitching and catching: “Creature of Darkness”

January 19, 2012

So… Creature of Darkness …yeah …Creature of Darkness…this movie is basically a rip off of Predator, only without any of the things that made Predator awesome. So, instead of commandos, we get a bunch of dumbass twenty-somethings.  And instead of Arnie we get, um, Sanoe Lake. Remember her? She was the chick in Blue Crush that wasn’t Kate Bosworth or Michelle Rodriguez. Remember her now? Well, it’s not a big deal—you’re probably not going to see this movie (and there’s no reason you should). Ooo! But it does have an alien hunter! Aw yeah! Only instead of, like, a cloaking device or really cool alien weaponry it…uh, well, it dresses up like the Gordon’s Fisherman. (Sigh), okay let’s just get this over with.

Okay, first we have the setup—try and stay with me here, because it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. You just gotta trust me, okay? Basically we have a bunch of dumbasses going on an off-road camping adventure so one of them can get therapy. Yeah, I know it makes no sense. So, one of the chicks with them is like a psych major or something, and she brought them all out there so this one wiggy dude played by Devon Sawa can work through his traumas. This is a little like going bowling to repair a collapsed lung, but I guess it made perfect sense to the filmmakers.

Anyway, they get to the campground and immediately start off-roading on ATVs and dune-buggies and stuff. Well, pretty soon they fiond out that they’re on the edge of an Air Force testing range. Now, this is the point where anyone with a scintilla of common sense pops smoke. Okay, it’s not tough math: Air Force testing range=planes dropping bombs. Bombs=bad (this is why we drop them on people we don’t like). Ergo: let’s get the fuck out of here! But, no, they figure as long as they stay far enough from the edge of the range they’ll be fine. How do you root for people like this?

Oh yeah, and they find the body of a pilot who’s been disemboweled. And they still don’t leave!

Well, pretty soon, we shift POVs to that of the alien hunter stalking them. How do we know it’s alien? We see it’s alien claw. Okay, good enough. Well, pretty soon it starts picking them off. First it uses a sinkhole, like an ant lion trap that it can camouflage with a hologram. Yeah, that’s okay so far.

“I am so gonna anally-probe these people…”

So, then the chicks all strip down to their bikinis, and get the boys all hot and horny (a little ol’ disemboweled corpse isn’t going to stand in the way of a good time), only Devon is all mopey, and the gangbanger guy gets all wifebeater on his girlfriend, like, “Yo! That body belongs to me, bitch! It ain’t for no display! Yo, I’m gangsta! Check out how gangsta I am!” Some of that is real dialogue, BTW.

Okay, so a couple of their party have disappeared, but they’re not real worried about them, because, well, they’re idiots. Night falls, and they make a campfire and proceed to get wasted. Only the gangsta guy is showing off with his gun and he manages to shoot their car, causing it to explode (as cars are prone to do when they’re struck by a piece of metal the size of a marble). Oh no! They’re trapped!

“Missing friends, disembowled corpses…only one logical response.”

At this point I just have to assume the alien is laughing its alien butt off.

So one of the chicks decides this is a good time to take a sexxaaay shower. I don’t how they got a shower out there, but they did. So She while she’s caressing her funbags under the spray, the alien watches, and, er, well, they don’t show anything, but I’m pretty sure he’s jacking it. I mean, you hear its breathing getting heavier and faster while it watches her, so the only logical conclusion I can come to is that its burping the worm…or whatever it has.

Well, the chick catches it eventually, because chicks can always sense when someone is peeping on them while they fondle themselves in the shower. I don’t know how, but it sucks. Only, she doesn’t realize at first that it’s an alien hunter, because the thing is wearing a fishing hat and a raincoat! WTF?

(Literally: raincoat. I told you it was slapping the ham.)

Eeeew! That’s its ham-slapping tentacle!

The alien incapacitates her by throwing a couple spines at her. Seriously, spines. Like backbones. Only they’re green and start strangling her. The rest of the dumbasses try and fight it off, but it escapes. So, here Devon finally reveals the dark secret that’s been tormenting him. Seems his uncle was a fighter pilot who was taken aboard a UFO (sure, okay, so far so good), where he was tortured and experimented on.  In the process, I guess his alien captors got a little talky, and explained to him that they were watching our planet and every full moon, one of their number comes and collects human samples and vivisects them. They call that one “The Catcher,” which sounds dirty to me.

“They call me ‘The Catcher.’..for ALL sorts of reasons!” (wink, wink)

Blah blah blah (I’m bored already), the surviving dumbasses decide to hunt the Catcher, which goes about as well as you’d expect. Finally, Devon, Sanoe, and some expendable dude manage to throw a rope around its neck and drag it around behind the dune buggy! And if you’re thinking, “Hey, wasn’t that a horrific hate crime a decade or so ago?” so am I.

Then they piss on the corpse for good measure. I really want to make a joke here—many of them actually–but the US Marine Corps ruined that for me. Thanks, guys.

Other choice bits:

* One chick describes a guy as, “Dark and sexy, and slippery as an eel…just my type!” Um…eel? Is that what the kids are into now?

* Sanoe gets pissed off at Devon for not telling them earlier about the Catcher. Sure, because they would have bought that story.

* They theorize that the Catcher dresses in a coat and hat to fool its victims into lowering their guard. Either the Catcher is a complete retard or he has a low opinion of us.

* The alien model in this movie is pretty impressive…and completely immobile. Seriously, I think there’s someone standing behind it just moving it back and forth.

* An excerpt of my notes from watching this flick: “Am I drunk?” “Goddamn, this alien sucks.” “Really? I’m not drunk? But I’m seeing things…”

* They also figure out the Catcher (I’m sorry, I can’t keep typing that without feeling gross) the alien is collecting people of every race. Only then do they realize their group is laughably diverse: “Wait! We have a black dude! And an Hispanic chick! And a White guy!”

* Hilarious line from Sanoe, “When I was a girl, my dad was in the military. I used to read his letter from the warzones he went to…” Um, Sanoe, there weren’t any warzones when you were a girl. Unless he found time to write you from Grenada at some point during the, what, three hours we were fighting.

I know you don’t believe this, but I looked this movie up on IMDB. It exists, all right.

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