A meeting of the minds: “Melancholia”

November 10, 2011

Lars von Trier’s Melancholia is about the end of the world. And being depressed. Though these two things don’t dovetail like you’d expect—I mean, the end of everything is pretty depressing. But, no, in Melancholia Kirsten Dunst is really depressed about getting married. She mopes around in a stupor, gets naked, and then Earth collides with another planet. I kid you not: that is Melancholia. Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m really happy there was no Willem Dafoe schlong in this. There’s really never a good reason to see Dafoe schlong. But, um, didn’t Lars steal that whole planet-collision thing from Transformers: Dark of the Moon?  I mean, a couple good Find and Replace commands and you have the same freaking film. FIND: Autobot REPLACE: Men in tuxedos trading small talk. FIND: Victoria’s Secret model REPLACE: Dead horse. FOUND: Sam Witwickey REPLACE: Wedding Cake. And that’s pretty much it. How did this happen? I sure don’t know, but I like to imagine that in some smoke-filled bar, in the wee small hours of the morning, two legendary filmmakers had a meeting of the minds…

Lars von Trier: Michael, you are very tall.

Michael Bay: Yeah, I’m huge. I come from a family of massive, massive people.

LVT: I come from a family of Communist nudists. I was allowed to do or not do what I liked. My parents were not interested in whether I went to school or got drunk on white wine.

MB: White wine is for women. Men drink beer. Or hard liquor. They drink hard and smoke cigars. They also blow shit up. Your family ever blow shit up? Like even on the Fourth of July?

LVT: We don’t celebrate that in Denmark.

MB: I don’t know what that is.

LVT: You are so typical American. You are just a stupid cowboy who thinks he can invade anyone he wants and that the world ends at your borders…

MB: I invaded three Qantas stewardesses last night. One of them dressed up as Xena: Warrior Princess. It was awesome. I’m a little dehydrated today. That’s why I switched to whiskey.

LVT: So typical! You swagger around like a bully in the sandbox, all the while worshipping the greatest bully of them all—George W. Bush!

MB: W was an awesome President. He fought the fuck out of the war on terror. I thought Obama was gonna be a world-class panty-waist, but he did some badass shit, too. Shooting Bin Laden in the face? That was cold, man. Like Shaft.

LVT: But you follow a fallacy! A bankrupt ideology! Look at your mighty military, running from Iraq and Afghanistan like children running from a marzipan shopkeeper!

MB: Those wars are boring now. We gotta fuck up someone else’s shit. Maybe North Korea or Mexico.

LVT: I think…Michael, do you think George W Bush is in love with Condoleezza Rice? And he’s dreaming of being whipped by her?

MB: Sure. Why not? She’s got a slammin’ bod. Minorities scare me, but some dudes dig black chicks. I was gonna make Aisha Tyler the main chick in Transformers 3, but the studio thought having Shia mack on a black chick would freak out Middle America. Hurt the box office returns. Plus she got totally bitchy about letting me film her ass with a fish-eye lens. Chicks, man. Try and figure ‘em.

LVT: Yes, women are silly, terrible, stupid creatures. I debase them in my films. I strip them naked and humiliate them, but still they come back for more…more…more…pathetic, really.

MB: Man, I wish I could get chicks naked in my movies. Imagine Meagan Fox running naked in slow-motion…but then you don’t get the PG13 rating, you don’t get the kids in the theater, you don’t make 150 million opening weekend.

LVT: Michael…ah…your movies…they’re very successful, no?

MB: Fuck yeah. I got so much money, I was gonna buy my own island. Invite people over on it, then hunt them for sport. But I bored with that idea. Plus the studio thought it would hurt the box office numbers, me murdering people like that.

LVT: Michael, my movies make almost no money. I don’t understand it. I put naked women in them, but it doesn’t help. You hate people as much as I do. Why are your movies so successful, and mine not? What am I doing wrong? Antichrist actually made less money than some YouTube videos.

MB: Too much Dafoe schlong in that.

LVT: Yes, I see that now. At first I thought it would be somewhat interesting, but instead it was just horrible. Like one of those pale, eyeless fish that lives miles deep in the ocean.

MB: Look at who it’s attached to. It’s gonna be the stuff of nightmares.

LVT: Now, my latest film is about existential dread, and how it compares to a crippling depression…

MB: Anything blow up?

LVT: I don’t make action movies. I make movies about a cold, uncaring Universe.

MB: Pussy. You make wimpy movies. You’re a little bitch. I’m bend you over now and fuck you like the bitch that you are.

LVT:  I say bizarre, inflammatory things. I get headlines. The film community loves me. Still none of it translates into success.

MB: I was kidding. I wasn’t gonna sodomize you.

LVT: But no matter what I do…

MB: Psyche! I totally was gonna sodomize you. Now I’m bored.

LVT: I compose beautiful scenes. I use  a lot of slow motion set against swelling music.

MB: That’s a good start.

LVT: Kirsten Dunst lies nude in the blinding, blue glow of the moon…

MB:  She looks like a politician’s wife. Plus, she’s like forty. I’d go with somebody hotter. Like Amber Heard. Or that chick from Glee. The slutty one.

LVT: Still I fear no one will see this one, either.

MB: Fuck some shit up. In my movie, one robot rips off another one and tears out his robot-spine. It’s tits.

LVT: Someone commits suicide in my movie.

MB: Anything blow? You gotta blow some shit up.

LVT: No! I blow up nothing! Nothing explodes or crashes or…fine! Fine! You want me to blow something up!  I shall destroy the world! The whole, godless, random cruel world! Will that make you happy! Will that make you laugh and rub your palms together with glee like a little boy on Saint Gert’s Day?!? Will that make you squirm in your seat like a child watching his step-aunt dancing naked to Chopin in a beerhall?!? Does it? Well, DOES IT?

MB: How you gonna do it?

LVT: I…what?

MB: How’s it blow up? Loose nuke? Rail gun? Quantum experiment gone wrong? Giant insect attack?

LVT: Well…well…oh, I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m a bad filmmaker.

MB: An entire fucking planet almost rams into Earth in my movie.

LVT: A planet! A while new world! The new…the unexplored…coming from mystery to destroy all that we know!

MB: Go ahead. Use it.

LVT: Really? You would…you would let me plagiarize your robot movie?

MB: Yeah sure. What the hell? No one’ll ever make the connection anyway. Different audiences.

LVT: Thank you Michael Bay! Thank you! You are my muse! You are my inspiration!

MB: I’m bored. See that chick over there? The hot waitress? I’m totally gonna take her to my room and bang the shit out of her. You wanna watch?

LVT: Yes. Yes, I do.

That’s how I think it happened. And you can’t prove it didn’t.


  1. Haha, before this movie came out wasn’t it getting some oscar buzz?

    Please tell me you will review Jack and Jill.

    • I’ll certainly try. The trailers are like some terrible dream. I mean…that isn’t really Al Pacino, is it? It’s gotta be, like, his evil twin or…I dunno…a replicant the studio built, right? He was in The Godfather Part Two, he wouldn’t…he wouldn’t do THIS? Right? Please tell me it’s a replicant.

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