Hottie Assault! “Sucker Punch”

March 28, 2011

Since Sucker Punch seems to be aimed squarely at teenage boys hopped up on Mountain Dew, it only seems appropriate that I let Freff, my horny 13 year-old id, have a crack at this one. I mean, he did such a…I hesitate to use the word good …um, intelligible review of Insecticidal, why not? And, really, who better to review a movie about pneumatic hotties in stripper outfits shooting steampunk Nazis with anachronistic weapons? Wow. I felt my brain shudder just writing that. Okay, so here’s Freff’s take:

[Freff] Dude, this movie rawks! I mean, c’mon Hollywood, figure it out! A good movie has hot chicks blowing shit up. How hard is that to understand? You know, maybe if some of those other movies up for Oscars had hot chicks shooting zombies, they would have won Best Picture. And while we’re at it, how the fuck do you give an award to The Kings Speech, which didn’t have any hot chicks, zombies, or shit blowing up? I mean, yeah, you get a shot of Hitler, but why show Hitler if you’re not gonna have him raising an Army of the Damned that’s gotta be fought by a blonde hottie dressed like Sailor Moon?

Mmmm…Sailor Moon

Okay, so Sucker Punch is about these totally hot chicks who’re trapped in a mental asylum, and the lead hot chick—the blonde with these awesome lips—is gonna be lobotomized. Now, I’m watching this and I’m all “Man, what are you doing? Why waste a bunch of hot chicks by putting them in an asylum? Why don’t you put them, like, in a strip club or something?” All of a sudden, blammo! The asylum changes into a dance club! How freakin’ cool is that? And I’m all like, “Woot!” ‘Cuz, see, it’s like a fantasy the lead chick is having. Wild, right? But wait, it gets better.

The girl with the lips, like, goes into this headspace when she dances, and it’s like a wild fantasy world. There are dragons and Nazis and shit, and she meets this really cool old dude who tell her what she needs to escape the asylum/dance club. Wild, right? I love movies that, you know, you gotta think real hard about and mess with your head. Anyway, Lips wants to get out and she’s joined by these other two blondes, Rocket and Sweet Pea, along with a chick named Blondie (only she’s brunette…ha! That’s good writing) and a hot, Asian chick named Amber. ‘Cuz, see, in the dance club, they’re kinda like prostitutes…except they never have any sex…not even with each other (big, big misstep there).

Lips figures out that they need a map, a lighter, a knife and a key if they need to get out of the dance club/asylum place (I’d figure you also need a machine-gun and a really bitchin’ Camaro, but I guess that’d be hard to find). And she figures that when she dances, she’s so smoking hot that guys can’t stop looking at her, and the other girls can steal the stuff they need to get out.

The really awesome thing is when Lips dances, she goes, like, into these freaky-cool fantasy worlds where she and the other chicks are super soldiers in this ongoing war in alien lands. It’s like where I go when I forget to put the fan and use lots of glue on my model jets.

So, like, the first quest to get the map has them in this steampunk version of World War One. They’re all fighting in trenches and stuff, but the Nazis are all reanimated corpses that are like zombie-clockwork guys. And the chicks are in these totally hot outfits that totally show off their bods. And there are, like, biplanes and Amber has a thing like a powered suit in Starship Troopers (dude, that movie was awesome…great rack shots…why weeren’t there more racks in this movie?) And then there’s this mega-bigass zeppelin that shows up…fuckin’ sweet man.

(Only…I dunno…it’s pretty awesome, but…well, it’s just like, you know that none of the chicks are gonna get hurt, ‘cuz they’re like ninjas and can jump around and stuff, and the Nazis are all clank-clank-pshhhht! So…I dunno…and then Lips shoots down the zeppelin with a machine gun, and it looks totally sweet—all blowing up and stuff—but, like, a machine gun? I mean, that seems awful easy…)

And then the next one, they gotta get fire, and in Lips’ fantasy they’re storming a castle to kill a baby dragon and get the crystals in its throat. Only it’s mother wakes up and attacks them. And there’s this really cool aerial chase where the momma dragon chases Amber who’s flying a B-25. It’s freakin’ awesome.

(Only…how does Lips kill the dragon so easily? I mean, she kills it with a sword…that’s be like someone putting a needle in your skull. It just wouldn’t do that much damage.)

Next big fantasy is when they try to get a knife—only in the fantasy they have to get a bomb off a train. So they fight these androids on the train, only it goes wrong and Rocket gets killed. It all ends with this city totally getting nuked. It’s like total Liberia action. Or Libya. Whatever city we’re bombing right now.

Okay, see, this is kinda where the movie goes wrong for me. Cuz, in the dance club the girls get found out and the two non-blondes get killed. I’m all like, Dude! Why are you wasting the hot chicks like that? They didn’t even make out!

I dunno…now that I think about it more…it’s weird, ‘cuz I should like this movie. It’s got hot chicks and zombie Nazis and guns and stuff, and it’s real easy to follow the plot, ‘cuz it’s like a videogame, but…Well, something’s just wrong. Like, the chicks are in a dance club, but it’s an old-time kind, so they wear way too many clothes. They’re not like the Pussycat Dolls or anything. They actually don’t show that much skin. And they don’t make out or anything, did I mention that? Why put a bunch of chicks together if they’re not gonna make out? I mean, I’m glad that Zack Snyder made this film less gay than 300 and not as long as Watchmen, but he’s still got a thing or two to learn about hot chicks.

Give you an example. Lips is the main hot chick, and she’s really hot, but she’s not, I dunno, badass enough. She sounds kinda whiney, and she doesn’t have any swagger. I just can’t imagine her walking into a bar full of terrorists and beating the shit out of all of them. Now, Amber’s got total swagger. Especially in the first mission, where she’s walking around all toughass wearing this garrison cap on an angle and sucking a lollipop. Man, I almost slapped the ham right there in the theater. [Freff, really? We talked about this!]

The worlds where Lips does her fighting are totally cool—no question about that—like nothing ever seen before in a movie. But, still, the chicks just go in and fight guys. You never really, I dunno go into those worlds, like in Blade Runner or something. After a while, it’s just like a videogame or a music video. That kinda sucked. I guess I should have liked this movie  a lot more than I did. It’s like, hot chicks fighting dragons and steampunk zombies shouldn’t feel so…empty, I guess. And there’s a voiceover at the end that just doesn’t make any sense. It’s like they just said words without trying to make them into, you know, sentences or anything. And what’s with the title? I would have called this Kickass Vixens in the Steampunk World, or Hottie Assault or…

[/Freff] So Freff went on for  bit more, then I put him in a headlock when he tried to get into the gun cabinet. I guess that tells you all you have to know about Sucker Punch. I, for one, just want to know how Freff knows what a garrison cap is…


  1. Nicolas Cage sucks. He hasn’t made a good movie since Leaving Las Vegas or maybe The Rock. That was cool. A couple years back, I was on a flight to Europe and one of his movies was playing. I chose to stare at the seat in front of me rather than watch whatever debacle it was sure to be. Spacing out on a plane was better.

    • Cage isn’t in this, but I don’t disagree…

  2. Yeah, I figured that since I just learned how to post comments, it would be neat to put one on here. Is relevance one of the rules?

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