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Feel Free to Eat the Eye-Candy: “Supergator”

March 21, 2009

supergatorI went into Supergator already disappointed. See, the movie I had actually bought on eBay was Aztec Rex. Aztecs! Pyramids! Tyrannosauruses! How possibly can anything be awesomer than that (unless it’s Daniel Craig riding the T. Rex’s into battle with the Spartans…but don’t get me started on my my long-gestating screenplay…) Alas, the DVD that I pulled out of the padded envelope was not Aztec Rex, but instead Supergator. Maybe the words are deceptively similar in Thai. Maybe the dude who packed the DVDs in whatever sweatshop on Chatachuk is selling these things, just figured one big lizard is pretty much the same as the next. Whatever the case, I had no T. Rexes, no pyramids, no Aztecs. Just an alligator. Which may or may not be super.

And yet, Supergator managed to be paradoxically more and less than that. Yes, there is an alligator. Yes, he is super (by alligator standards anyway…he can’t fly or anything). But there’s also a volcano. And volcanologists. And swimsuit models. And a secret corporate type who is hunting the Supergator with her big game hunter. And some hawt scientists. And a luau. But in the end it’s all about the Supergator eating people. Which is, you know, pretty much where you figure a movie like this is heading.

Supergator begins, logically enough, with some volcanologists. Dr. Scott Kinney (generic slab of beefcake Brad Johnson) and his student Ryan have shown up on an unspecified Hawaiian island to study a volcano which seems to be activating again (leading to the best line of the movie “according to these readings it could blow any minute, or it could be nothing.” Hey, thanks doc, say exactly how much grant money did it take to come up with that prognosis?). Scott is all business, but Ryan pretty much just wants to drink and chase bikini-clad cuties. Can’t say I blame him for that. Anyway, they hook up with a couple of Scott’s hawt former students. Alexandra is still a volcanologists working for the government, but Carla (Bianca Lawson—she played Kendra the Jamaican vampire slayer in Buffy) is now a reporter.

At the same time an eeevil corporate scientists (Kelly McGillis—and holy crap, did she not age gracefully) hires a local big game hunter Jake Kilpatrick (John Colton) to help her hunt down a cloned prehistoric alligator which has gotten loose. Along the way, she explains that her company created it to “study genetic evolution.” Okay, here’s a question: I see the allure of cloning dinosaurs—Lord know if I could, I’d be cloning them left, right and center—but is there any reason her company couldn’t clone, say a triceratops, or a trachedon, as opposed to a massive, voracious killing machine?!? How exactly did the R&D meeting go for this: “So, we gotta clone a dinosaur here…hey, how about the 50-foot, prehistoric alligator that was ferocious enough to eat Velociraptors like they were Oreos. I’m sure nothing can go wrong with that plan.”

And while we’re at it, let’s think about Kelly McGillis’s career as compared to any of her Top Gun costars. Sure Tom Cruise went batshit, Scientology-happy nuts, and Meg Ryan sort of looks like a throw-pillow, but none of them appeared in Supergator (except for Brad, but he only had a couple scenes in the homoerotic volleyball sequence, so I’m not counting him). No matter how you spin it, she really did get the short end of the stick.

Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah, then there’s the models Lorissa (Holly Weber) and, uh, the blonde one. They’re out in the jungle on a photo shoot when the Supergator attacks. The photog and the blonde one get chomped, but Lorissa survives to spend much of the rest of the first two-thirds of the movie running from the Supergator. And that’s pretty much her plotline—to run into the distance so the camera can follow her be-thonged ass. As far as such things go, though, it’s pretty nice.

Then there is Wendy and Brenda, a couple of environmental science majors on Spring Break and tromping through the jungle. They complain about the lack of smart men to hook up with, and compliment each other’s short-shorts. Then they run into Lorissa, who begs them for help. Only they’re all like, “We’re environmental-sci majors, and we know there are no dangerous animals here! Dumb bimbo. You’re wearing a thong, which means you’re dumb. We’re wearing khaki shorts that have been cut into Daisy Dukes, which means we’re smart.” They don’t actually say this, but…well, actually they damn near do. Dialogue isn’t really this movie’s forte. Anyhow Lorissa runs her bouncing, be-thonged ass into the distance again and Wendy and Brenda promptly run into the Supergator and get chomped. I’m not really sure what their purpose was in this movie.

Okay, some other crap happens. Some other random people get chomped, including Lorissa. Boo! I know I’m risking sounding shallow here, but isn’t it bad enough I have to watch a movie called Supergator with a bad CGI dinosaur/alligator? Do you also have to kill off the be-thonged eye-candy, while keeping Kelly McGillis—who by this point looks like fence post—around for another twenty minutes or so? What kind of sadist are you, writer/director Bryan Clyde?

Well, finally, the volcanologists and the hunters all meet up and start getting picked off by the Supergator. Oh, and it looks like the volcano is about to blow. Eeek! Volcanos to left of me, Supergators to the right, here I am. Stuck in the middle with Brad Johnson. But then the volcano doesn’t blow (whew! I guess Clyde didn’t want to make the movie too intense, in case viewers hearts couldn’t handle the stress). This leads to the second most hilarious line of the movie when Jake snaps at Scott, “That’s what we get for listening to some hair-brained volcanologists, when what we need are seismologists!” Uh…wouldn’t seismology be covered in volcano school? You’d think it would. Anyway, no eruption, but the cast gets chomped down to Jake, Scott, and Kendra the Vampire (now Supergator) Slayer.

But wait! There’s a luau happening! The biggest luau of the season, according to the script (exactly how big is “the biggest luau of the season, anyway?” Luaus don’t strike me as hugely crowded events). Kendra goes to warn the luau-ians, while the manly men go off to hunt the Supergator. Nice breakdown of gender roles there, guys.

The luau is being held on a massive set featuring a fake propane volcano and is flanked with cute Hawaiian girls in grass skirts and coconut bikini-tops. If my buddy Mully was a supervillian, this would be his secret lair. Anyway, the Supergator gets loose at the luau and chomps a few people (none of the cute girls, though), and then the boys show up to drive it into the fake volcano, which Kendra activates, blowing it to pieces. Fin.

Okay, so what did we learn from Supergator?

* Kelly McGillis’s career peaked with Top Gun

* Don’t kill off your be-thonged eye-candy, unless you have some kind of substitute eye-candy in the works.

* The 5.56mm NATO rifle round is somewhat less than effective against Supergators

* Volcanologists are hot. But really, really dumb.

* Volcanology and Seismology are separate things.

* If you’re going to clone a dinosaur, clone a plant-eating one.

ADDITIONAL (POSSIBLY UNRELATED) NOTE: After I watched this movie I had a dream that there was a Pteronadon flapping outside my apartment window. And I thought “I hope that window can keep him out”) Then it broke the window with its boney head-crest and flew inside, and I thought “Great. Now I have a Pteronadon in the apartment.”

8 comments

  1. For some reason, I thought to myself, “Hey. Didn’t he already review this one?” No. I couldn’t distinguish this movie from this one.


  2. I looked this up on IMDB, and the first user comment about it was, “Not bad. Great boobs!”.


  3. Yeah, that about sums it up.


  4. I like boobs.

    Kelly McGillis! Man, I figured she was dead. We were just talking about “TOP GUN” the other day and wondered where the REALLY hot gals were in 1986. Because she’s really NOT HOT, even in her prime. Didb’t help her poster sales that she played an Amish chick in “Witness” either.

    Man, when do I get a byline? Is there some movie where a giant schnitzel falls from the sky and devours some German milk-maids? I would HAVE to be in that.


  5. I like boobs, too. I own a set, after all.


    • Yes. They’re very nice.


  6. These comments are worthless without pics.


  7. Breasts ARE nice. Yes, indeed.

    I dropped out of volcano school specifically because there were no seismology classes.



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