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An open letter to Marc Forster (or whomever)

November 15, 2008

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(for an update on Bond’s choice of armament in Skyfall click here…)

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Whose fucking brilliant idea was it to re-arm Bond with the Walther PPK for this outing? No, really, I want names. I wanna know who I need to punch in the groin. Have you not been watching the past ten years of Bond films? He switched over to the Walther P99 ten years ago. And for good reasons, you cockbags.

Please don’t give me that tired song and dance about the PPK being Bond’s “signature weapon” or I will muzzle-punch you. What’s the point of rebooting a franchise if you’re going to be beholden to tired, outmoded staples? The Walther PPK made some sense when Sean Connery was wielding it back in the ’60s. Not so much anymore. And let’s cut through the reverence a bit, shall we? It’s not a magic gun or a special gun or even a distinguished one. The only reason Fleming went with the thing (replacing Bond’s Beretta .25—even less powerful and more useless—in Doctor No) was because he liked the way the name sounded. 

 And where did Bond get the PPK in this movie, anyway? Quantum of Solace picks up an hour after Casino Royale ended and he used the P99 exclusively in that movie. What? Is his gun a shapeshifter?

And don’t start branding me a PPK-hater. I used to own one. It was a good weapon to keep in the glovebox—an off-duty weapon. On-duty, when I’m expected to drop what I’m shooting at, I carry a heavier 9mm Sig/Sauer (which you wisely gave Bond at the end of the film).

The PPK is simply worthless as a service weapon. The .380ACP round is underpowered, and it only carries seven of them (six if he has the European model). It’s not much good past fifteen yards. It’s sights are impossible to acquire in stress-fire conditions, and are fixed, so they can’t be replaced by night sights. It hurts to shoot, both because of the limited recoil-absorbency, and because of the way the slide cuts your firing hand (though the Smith & Wesson-licensed versions eliminated this by giving it a longer backstrap). The goddamn thing is a piece of 1930s gun manufacturing. A nice, enduring piece, but all the same it’s 80 fucking years-old!

casinoroyale12The Walther P99 is a superior weapon in all regards. It fires the heavier 9mm or .40S&W round, holds up to 15 of the bastards, and has the fastest trigger-reset of any pistol I’ve ever fired. After shooting my P99, any other gun felt like I was shooting in slow motion. It’s damn stylish and is available with nice, easy-to-see Trijicon night sights, which I think we all agree Bond could really use. It has multiple-sized backstraps to fit the shooters hand. It’s also light and flat for a combat pistol and easy to conceal under blazer or sport coat (been there, done that). And it’s still by Walther, so it continues the tradition.

The whole idea of the 007 reboot was to bring James Bond into the 21st century, so why arm him with a gun from World War II? Why? Because you’re lazy, that’s why. You think of James Bond and you think Walther PPK and that’s it. You didn’t do any research, you didn’t consult any armorers, you didn’t pay attention to the last couple films. Consider yourself on notice: You goddamn well better not screw up the guns in next film, you lazy dickweed, or I will be seriously pissed.

Crud. Now I really miss my Walther PPK.

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