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Correcting History “10,000 B.C.”

April 6, 2008

The world we experience everyday is built on a foundation of lies, myths, and half-truths that we accept without a second thought while going on our merry way. After all, what does it matter to us in our daily lives if Columbus never discovered America (no matter how loosely you define “discovered” and “America”?) And isn’t it easier just to chalk the Civil War up to a disagreement about slavery rather than the myriad of complex reasons that actually set off that conflict? But while ignorance may be bliss, and easy for that matter, it’s not a virtue. Intellectual laziness is a toxin that poisons everything it touches and begins the decay. It becomes just as easy to believe that we must invade Iraq because they maybe, sorta have WMDs as it is that the Japanese attacked the U.S. in WWII solely because we embargoed their oil, as it is posited in Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor. In other words, stupidity is an epidemic we willing expose ourselves to.

Good for Roland Emmerich, then, for bringing us the historical corrective 10,000 B.C. With its bold, uncompromising vision, it attacks the conventional wisdom of human prehistory. This film serves, not simply as rollicking entertainment, but also as a shot across the bow of all those teachers, academics, historians, paleontologists, archeologists, anthropologists, cartographers, agronomists, and tour guides who would perpetuate lie after lie to further their own nebulous and nefarious ends. Amongst some of the more explosive truths 10,000 B.C. presents without apology are:

· The pyramids were never completed

· The parts that did get built were constructed using woolly mammoths as beasts of burden

· The slaves that worked alongside the mammoths were not Israelites, but enslaved peoples from all over the world.

· The Mongols were actually white people with dreadlocks

· Mankind, wooly mammoths, and saber-toothed tigers all coexisted

· The Siberian mountains border a rainforest, which itself borders a desert.

· That rainforest was once (and may indeed still be) home to vicious, ostrich-like reptiles.

· Agriculture, celestial navigation, and the abandonment of the construction of the pyramids were all accomplished by some guy looking to get some tail.

The guy in question is D’Leh, an inhabitant of the Siberian mountains living at the tail end of the ice age. D’Leh’s tribe are not the Asiatic Mongoloids wrapped in furs as one would expect, but are instead tan-skinned white people in dreadlocks and midriff-baring leather vests. The movie has barely opened before Emmerich has exploded two very popular myths: 1) the Mongols weren’t Caucasian, and 2) the ice age was cold.

A bunch of D’Leh’s tribe—including his babe of girlfriend–get kidnapped by marauders and D’Leh goes after them. To do this he must travel out of the mountains and into the rain forest that abuts it. You won’t find this rain forest on any map, and one has to wonder why. What are the cartographers and geographers trying to hide? Soon killer ostrich-dinosaurs chase our intrepid hero and his captured tribespeople. These animals are swift, merciless, and carnivorous. And so Emmerich bluntly corrects the myths we’ve come to believe by telling us 1) there is a rain forest in Eurasia, and 2) there was such a thing as ostrich-dinosaurs.

After escaping the ostrich-dinosaurs in the rain forest, they must cross the vast desert that borders it. I’m sure some eggheads out there will argue that it’s climatically and meteorologically impossible for a desert to border a jungle, but they’re lying. Or they’re drunk. In the desert, D’Leh meets up with the various tribes of Sub-Saharan Africa and leads them in battle against the evil slavers who are using D’Leh’s people (and many of the African tribes’ people) to build the Pyramids. Oh, and they’re using wooly mammoths to haul those big stones around. Once more Emmerich courts certain controversy by telling bold truth such as 1) jungles and deserts can exist right next to each other, 2) wooly mammoths were integral in the building of the Pyramids, and 3) Sub-Saharan Africa is actually above the Sahara

Anyway, D’Leh leads a revolution amongst the slaves against the overlords who are building the Pyramids (it’s never explained why they’re building the Pyramids, but I think it’s safe to assume it’s for the Atlantians). They overthrow their masters and flee back to their homelands, leaving the Pyramids only partially-completed. D’Leh and his girlfriend Evolet go off to live happily ever after to teach the world about the North Star and agriculture.

I can’t tell you how disgusted I felt as I left the theater. I was disgusted at every globe-maker that lazily got the continents wrong. I was disgusted at the Egyptian tourism industry that obviously and hastily slapped some tops on the partially-completed Pyramids and invented some mythology about how they were the ones that figured out how to build them. I was disgusted at the Israelis for claiming that they were enslaved to build the damn things. I was disgusted that no one saw fit to warn me about the ostrich-dinosaurs. But mostly I was disgusted that no one up until now was bold enough to tell the truth: dark-skinned white people invented pretty much everything.

Roland Emmerich, we all owe you a tremendous debt of gratitude for opening our eyes, for telling the truth, and for leading us out of the cave.

7 comments

  1. Ow! My world view!


  2. White people with tans are the only ones who count. Didn’t anyone tell you?


  3. Oh my god, I am having a professional, intellectual, and theoretical crisis right now. I shall never recover.


  4. I’m sorry, D’Leh and his girlfriend are not very ambitious or industrious. I was expecting you to say that the movie ends with them crossing the Bering Strait to populate the Americas. But they didn’t, did they? They just wanted to become a couple of homebodies. Makes me ashamed to be a H. sapiens sapiens.


  5. Maybe that’s in the sequel.


  6. So wait, how long did it take D’Leh to get from Siberia to Egypt?


  7. I’m not sure. Looked like a couple days. Maybe a week or so.



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