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This Weekend’s Movies: “Wrong Turn 2”

November 18, 2007

Wrong Turn 2<attempts to answer the myriad questions left at the end of the original Wrong Turn like, uh…

Okay, there were no questions left unanswered at the end of the first movie. I mean, aside from the perfectly natural ones like, “Who greenlit this crap?” and “Was this really the best script Eliza Dushku was offered?” We’re talking about a movie in which mutant hillbillies attack dumb 20-somethings in the wilds of West Virginia. We’re not exactly talking about layers of narrative complexity here.


Alas, the movie did well enough on DVD to warrant a sequel, and so we have this little cinematic My Lai inflicted upon us. Now, as regular readers of this blog (hi, Ten Feet of Steel!) are aware, I’ve watched a lot of crappy movies in the past couple months, but this is the first one whose badness genuinely offended me. I hate this movie. It’s my arch-nemesis. If it were anthropomorphized into a human being, I’d empty my gun into its heart. And then hunt down its offspring and take them off the board. This is a movie that takes a plot that was stupid the first time around, recycles it into something even stupider, and then stuffs it with disembowelings, cannibalism, incest, rape, mutant childbirth, and Henry Rollins. This movie is why the terrorists hate us.

The plot follows a reality TV show that’s hosted by Henry Rollins in which the contestants must survive in the suspiciously Canadian-looking West Virginia woods. The contestants are all vapid 20-somethings, none of whom are worth spilling any ink except maybe Nina (Erica Leerhsen) because I can’t figure out what the hell’s going on with her highlights, and Jake because he’s played by a guy named (wait for it!)…Texas Battle!

Yeah, I got a good laugh out of that, too. Okay, so I’ve established that this movie is so bad it might actually be a herald of the apocalypse. Well in an effort to better understand my enemy I listened to the commentary track by the screenwriters Turi Meyer and Al Septien. What kind of minds produce this level of dreck? Are they insane? Drunk? Psychopathic? No, just deeply, deeply stupid. How stupid? Well, to better illustrate my point I’ve included some of the highlights from their commentary:

“Gotta love baby splooge.”

“Again, so this is that feeling of being trapped in a room…” During a scene in which the characters are trapped in a room.

“Henry Rollins is the epitome of cool.”

“I like this shot a lot.” About a scene in which a character urinates in the woods.

“It’s distracting to be talking and watching that.” When one of them trails off into incoherence during a scene in which an actress puts on her panties.

“We have a little fun.” About a scene in which a mutant hillbilly masturbates while watching one character perform oral sex on another.

“Just because they’re freaks doesn’t mean they don’t have natural desires.” Another take on the aforementioned scene.

“Bathroom humor always works for me. I’m a moron I guess.”

“In terms of the incestuous inbreeding, we wanted to go there…we wanted to see the conception of one of these freaks.”

“Henry Rollins really nailed it.”

“She’s willing to wear another woman’s face to make him happy. That’s love.”

“What’s more fun than having dynamite and arrows? Blow up stuff.”

“We wanted this scene where the characters learn that they really can survive in the woods, that they have become the ultimate survivalists, and here it is.” About a scene in which two hunted characters jump off a cliff.

“Very true to the script. It’s wonderful.”

“Henry Rollins really nailed that scene.”
“Making mom and dad into ground beef is a great way to end the movie.”

 

“There’s a message here for the Louisianas of the world.”

But what is most ironic about these two brain-deads is the extent to which they rail against reality TV. They admit that they used the reality TV subplot simply to get their kicks in against that genre. One can certainly understand the enmity felt by TV writers against a genre that has cut them out of the process and threatens their livelihood. When you’ve made a piece of crap like Wrong Turn 2, though, it’s sort of hard to seize that moral high ground.

One comment

  1. I’m just impressed that you watched not only the movie itself, but also the version with filmmaker commentary. Whatever the opposite of ADD is, you have it.



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